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From the brunch table: A love song for a burrito

Tell me how I’m supposed to breath with no air.

This burrito’s so big it’s not fair.

I’m about to eat the whole thing ‘cause I don’t care.

No air. No air.



Hater Tots

Excuse us while we hate a lil’ bit.

1. Mocktails

Goddamnit, mocktails. Really? I think they’re the fucking worst, and not even because there isn’t alcohol in them (OK, it’s a little bit about the lack of booze). Maybe I’m being insensitive to people who don’t drink, but the real point here is this: If you don’t drink, then cool. Don’t drink. But don’t make a non-alcoholic appletini, because then it’s not an appletini. It’s juice. Don’t be cutesy about it.

2. Sugar coating a BJ [literally]

I guess I am an old fashioned immigrant from the Chocolate Factory where the schnozberries taste like schnozberries, but dick should (and will always find a way to) taste like dick. Flavored lubes are like shitty air fresheners. Like air freshener leaves a room that reeks of rotting fish to reek of rotting fish with a hint of spring flowers, your mouth will be left with the dick you started with…and a hint of cheesecake.

3. Mass texting

There are a lot of beautiful things about modern technology, but if you exploit that technology, things get ugly fast. Read: mass texting. There is a time and a place for it, sure (i.e. “Abort the party, the cops showed up and confiscated the Karkov!”). But if you are sending a “Hey girl! What are you doing tonight?” text to a baker’s dozen of bitties at 7 p.m. on a Saturday evening, you best believe that your attempt to vet for the most socially relevant gathering will be exposed. Sleuth the old-fashioned way and gossip with a well-connected friend like the rest of us. It’s less offensive to people’s egos.

4. Everything that comes out of Newt Gingrich’s mouth

I don’t know if it’s all of the shit coating the inside of his puffy cheeks, or if he has a cotton candy flavored dick lodged in the back of his throat, but the sound of this guys’ voice turns my stomach. As does every audible word that comes out of his mouth. No, Newt, the “elite media” that you have most comically removed yourself from should not be asking why Obama apologized for the accidental burning of Korans. It’s not part of a secret plot to wage war on the Catholic church you joined to be a shining moral example to the country..and by that I mean electable in the South.





Around the Brunch Table: What movie currently defines your life?

Megan M.: Honey.

Heather:  Schindler’s List…no, Cinderella. But only the first half.

Allie:  Garden State and Pocahontas…because I can relate to her, being Norwegian.

Megan W.: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and not just because I love Kate Winslet. 

Alex:  The Royal Tenenbaums…less about owning Margot’s jacket + being extremely gifted and more about dysfunction and consistently associating with weirdos. 

Christa:  Precious…can I also be Julia Stiles in Save the Last Dance?



Friday afternoons at work

me:  so what kind of cookie are you eating?

tell me slowly

 Sent at 4:18 PM on Friday

 Heather:  c







 me:  oh yeah

 Heather:  t

 me:  keep going

 Heather:  e

 me:  ahhh

 Heather:  cccccccccccccc




 me:  yeah


*lights cig

thanks baby

 Sent at 4:20 PM on Friday

 Heather:  was it good for you?

 me:  yes. i hope you had fun too.

 Sent at 4:21 PM on Friday



Sometimes you accidentally get day-drunk in NYC at a Veterans Day parade, and this happens…

God bless America.



Life Epiphany #278

Vanilla vodka is a gateway drug.