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17

Jun

A Note to Future Suitors: Things I Will Not Apologize For

You guys always go for the quirky, cute girls. What you don’t realize when you come my way is just how many quirks I have. I’ve learned to embrace them - they help define me and make me so irresistible to you. Now it’s up to you to take them or leave them. Here’s a primer on what you’ll be expected to put up with once you’ve garnered my discerning affection.

1. My Fragility

My parents were not a good genetic match. Humans are supposed to pay attention to pheromones to instinctively recognize a partner that will produce the most ideal offspring (see Two Days in Paris). Instead, they produced me. I’ve got medical problems a mile long and prescriptions that would put me on the street if it weren’t for some great health insurance. You’re just going to have to deal with my asthma, acne, allergies, trigger points, herniated disk, stiff neck, easily bruised skin, horrible eyesight, and catastrophic digestive system. It’s a shame bodies don’t come with a warranty. But every boy wants a damsel in distress, right?

2. My diet

This ties right into #1. I’m at least trying to fix things, alright? This means I don’t consume meat, wheat, dairy, soy, beans, caffeine and I try to have a healthy, mostly vegan diet. Don’t try to bring me to B-Dubz (would I really be dating a guy that likes a place like that anyway?).  Be prepared for minor breakdowns at restaurants that don’t serve anything I can eat and ready to try foods you’ve never heard of. I promise to make positively delightful meals & treats for you, but accept my messy cooking style. Do you even realize how many ingredients and dishes it takes to make vegan & gluten-free macaroni and cheese?

3. Rampant elitism

I can be a major misanthrope. Having spent my entire childhood in gifted & talented programs, Honors & AP classes, and academic summer camps, I was surrounded by people on my level. My dad even taught me to drive much-superior manual cars. Going to a public university introduced me to the rest of the world, Uggs and all. I am still baffled by how such dullards can survive for so long without major consequences. You’ll have to deal with constant rants about frat boys and sorority girls, Crocs, obesity, smokers, useless majors, poor drivers and reality TV. I promise to constantly lavish you with compliments and praise about your brilliant creativity and witty banter.

3. Road rage

Having been in a major car accident and being constantly cut off on my moped, I have developed a healthy sense of driving aggression. Add that to the elitism mentioned above and I am a positive monster when I get in the driver’s seat. My driving style has been described as a “slow-motion Bond” and “purposeful.” I’m looking into amateur race car driving, too. Maybe it could dissipate this road rage, but I know it’s probably just going to make me that much more aggressive. Driving a manual car means that I’m constantly engaged in my environment and the task at hand. No other drivers seem to do this, though. I am constantly yelling (usually with the windows rolled up) at people who make poor lane choices, cut others off, or drive too slowly. It would be great if you could participate in this by shooting the offenders with your imaginary lazergun or squishing them between your fingers. It will make me laugh and keep you from staring at me in horror over the obscenities spilling out of my mouth.

4. Use of profanity

Steven Shein necklace
Steven Shein necklace (see more glitter jewelry)

Those obscenities? Get used to them. My sailor mouth often disarms people, just like my tattoos and crazy stories. I may seem quiet and reserved at first, but the vibrant red hair should have tipped you off. One of my favorite words is fuck, and it constantly peppers my conversation. It’s so useful to have a word in the human language that can convey anything from disgust, excitement, anger, to lust. I don’t just love you - I fucking love you; leaving the toilet seat up isn’t gross, it’s fucking disgusting. Emphatic!

5. The hair I shed

Okay, I’m a little sorry for this one. I have a ton of bright red, very long hair. Unforunately it doesn’t just stay on my head looking luscious and perfect; I shed a ton of it, too. Just accept the fact that you’re going to find strands in your beard, on your hoodie, and in your wallet. At least no one will need to ask who you spent last night with, right?

6. Playing Top 40 music in my car or in the shower


I am not afraid to like catchy songs from any genre - just look at my running playlist. When I’ve still got my runners’ high from my stint around Lake of the Isles, Bon Iver isn’t going to keep that alive. When I’m en route to pregame at a friend’s apartment before going dancing, can Andrew Bird really meet my needs? Don’t be too alarmed, though. I promise I don’t listen to songs until they invade your dreams and I’ll always turn the channel when Pitbull comes on.

7. My refusal to wear clothes indoors

If you have a problem with this, just say sayonara now. You’re probably gay and need to do some soul searching. I live alone and one of the primary benefits is the ability to do everything naked. Doing the dishes, brushing my teeth, sleeping, etc. I know my body isn’t model-worthy, but I’m pretty okay with what I’ve got and this is what you signed up for. Maybe I’ll occasionally throw on that silk robe I got in Paris when it’s chilly to add a little suspense, but why go through the work of peeling off layers when the mood strikes suddenly?

You’ve been given fair warning.