Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme

21

Jun

How to Deal with your New, Loud Neighbor

Why do the loudest people always listen to the shittiest music? Why can’t I have a neighbor that blasts Best Coast and Minus the Bear during the day, then the best 90s jams on weekend nights? We could bring each other beer and make mix CDs. Instead, I am forced to listen to death metal while cooking dinner and crappy techno that shakes my bed until 3 in the morning. Enough is enough; after two weeks, I’m ready to shed the Minnesota niceties and declare war. Are you in the same spot? Join me in trying these techniques of torture.

1. Burn calories!


I’ve always refrained from doing cardio DVDs in my apartment because I didn’t want to disturb the people below me. My upstairs neighbor is always stomping around, shaking my dishes. I can’t imagine the havoc that jumping around for 45 minutes would wreak on the valuables of the people below. Now, the deal is off and the tennis shoes are on. The most effective time here is going to be when you get up for work, so between 6 and 8 am. Don’t be afraid to move between multiple rooms, either. If he’s a sound sleeper, he’s not going to hear you stomping around above his kitchen.

2. Make complex smoothies upon waking

This is tricky because you don’t want to upset the neighbors next to you. Your best bet is to set up shop by the outlet halfway between your living room and bedroom and let ‘er rip for a good 2 minutes. It’s even more torturous to stop it now and then to mix the ingredients around and do a taste test. He’ll think you’re done and breathe a sigh of relief, but that’s not happening today, mister!

3. Set up speakers facing the floor

Make a playlist of your favorite obnoxious Top 40 hits, plug in your computer speakers, and lay them on the ground face down. Turn up the volume, make sure it’s on loop, and leave for work. If you’re feeling more sinister and your safety screens allow, get a power cord and lower your speakers to his window. Only when he’s driven mad and has to step outside will he see what you’ve done.

4. Party!


Make sure your friends bring their dancing shoes (and don’t take them off) and invite your DJ buddy that can never get a gig.To avoid pissing off your other neighbors, placate them with some Miller High Life tallboys and weak conversation about the weird people in the building next door. Utilize community dances like a conga line or the electric slide to maximize your impact.

5. Have loud sex

Pull out all the stops! Encourage your partner with suggestions to constantly change positions and locations around your apartment and to go “faster baby, YEAH!” Since Mr. Techno is playing his heart out until the wee hours of the morning, this is a game of endurance. He can drown you out for a while, but he’s got to have a breaking point! Just get some lube, some toys, and Cosmo’s 365 Sex Positions book and you will come out victorious! Afraid his music will ruin the mood? Have your own sexy jams playlist on repeat to drown it out. Just don’t forget to brew extra coffee in the morning.

If all else fails, you can always just knock on his door and ask him to keep it quiet or use headphones after 8PM, or even report him to the management company. But that’s denying your true passive-aggressive Minnesotan nature, isn’t it?