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03

Apr

Translations: What Mom Says v. What I Hear

"How is your social life?"

You couldn’t possibly still be single, right?

(or six months into this line of questioning)

Are you a lesbian? It’s okay if you are, but you still have to have grandchildren. Soon.

"He watches a lot of movies with bombs."

I think your brother is spending too much time with the Pakistani neighbor.

"Oh, I was wondering if you were okay."

So you finally decided to fucking call.

"Do you have a headache?"

Do you want a Vicodin?

"I was busy….."

Be sure you will dry heave until you discard vital internal organs if I complete the rest of this sentence.



30

Mar

Boyfriend Material, According to Our Mothers

  • He has his own office cubicle!
  • His parents are really nice people!
  • He’s a handyman and kills bugs!
  • He’s single!
  • He has a Y chromosome!
  • He went to your elementary school!* 
  • He reminds me of Gilbert Blythe! Or Rhett Butler! (Nevermind that these are fictional characters…)

*It doesn’t matter what heinous crime he may have committed, if he went to your elementary school and/or was your neighbor he’s absolved of it.