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28

Jun

Best Tweets from #FatBands

I can’t help how funny I thought this was!

Korn Dogs

Wu Tangy Zesty Chicken

Bon Bon Iver

Fleetwood Mac and Cheese

30 Seconds to McDonalds

De la Cereal Bowl

Panic! at Nabisco

Teegan and Sara Lee

Lunchbox 20

The Mamas and the Papas Fritas

Milli Vanilli Waffers

Dashboard Cholesterol 

Katy Pudgy

One Digestion

Ben Folds Five Guys

Papa John’s Roach

Oreo Speedwagon

Cheese Whiz Khalifa

Taco Belle and Sabastian

Alabama Shakeweight

12

Jun

If Philosophers Contemplated Apps

"I checked in therefore I am here." Descartes

"Anyone who trades Nashville for Normal deserves neither Nashville nor Normal." - Ben Franklin 

"Linkedin is the essence of vileness." - Kant

"A wise man #’s because he has something to tag. A fool #’s because he has to tag something." Plato 

"#YOLO" -Horace

"All filters are based on deception." Sun Tzu

"The un-Pathed life is not worth living." -Socrates

"If men were born without an iphone, they would, so long as they remained without an iphone, form no conception of good and evil." -Spinoza

04

Jun

Things I’ve Learned Reporting from the Border of Pathetic and Functioning

The pages of the newspapers are filled with stories of contentious boarder conflicts, and my non-existent journal (and subsequent blog post) are no exception. Here are some factoids I picked up from where I live, the boarder of Pathetic and Functioning.

1. Watching 6 episodes of Intervention  in a row does not diminish your desire to consume alcohol as much as you would expect. Plan accordingly.

2. If every week you come into work five minutes later than the week before, you will eventually be an hour late for work. Everyday. This is a very hard trend to correct.

3. Lettuce goes bad really quickly. Don’t buy it on a Thursday.

4. That blasphemous Dawson’s Creek theme song on Nextfix happened because it was the song used for the international syndication of the show. It is called “Run Like Mad,” which is what my ears want to do at the beginning of every episode, but I stick it out, for Pacey’s sake.

5. Somewhere between hour 36 and 48 of leaving clothes in the wash machine is when the moldy smell sets in. I have intentions to narrow it down in the future. 

6. If used as a regular mattress, an air mattress has a 30 day life expectancy. 

7. Always lie to your coworkers when they ask you what you’ve done over the weekend or what you plan to do the following weekend. Some nice options to have on hand: general errand running, visiting your mother, growing herbs, entertaining a friend from out of town. You don’t need to sound like Mother Teresa, but the idea is to avoid telling them that you want to shut yourself in your room eating ice cream between bouts of heavy drinking every time they ask. 

8. It’s not happy hour if it ends at 5. Choose locations accordingly.

9. Taking Facebook breaks between every minute task at work is an issue that will need to be addressed. Eventually (more input on this to follow).

10. You actually need to go to the gym to get the insurance contribution every month. As a general rule of thumb, start paying attention to this before the 25th of every month. 

Faux rom com movie titles that you probably wouldn’t know were fake had I not just said they were fake

When We Were Us

The Good Times

Getting It Together

That Night

Safari

You’ve Got TXT

What Was He Thinking?

Girls Night Out

The Frenchman

Semi-Jaded, Quasi-Romantic Booty-Call

*Disclaimer: I did not do my due-diligence. There may or may not be some actual movie titles in the mix.  

29

May

Commencement address to the 8th graders of America

Congratulations on surviving middle school. I am sure it was horrible. As you continue your journey through the public school system, I would like to share with you one piece of advice: spend all of the money you are earning. Spend it recklessly and without shame.

Cynics will tell you that you should work hard and save for college. Well, maybe a cynic wouldn’t say that, but I wanted to channel Barack Obama so you all would find me wise and heed my message. More than that, I want to tell you the truth: you can’t. You can’t save for college. Well, maybe you can, but not in such a way that the misery to outcome ratio equals a rational decision. Assuming your priority is emancipation by way of car over saving for college, you’ll only have two years to play the part of “responsible teen saving for college” and you should play that part (your parent’s friends will find it adorable). In secret, you should start pissing it away on any cheap thrill you come across, for no other reason than that you can. If you find yourself, by nature, the squirrel type who likes to stock the acorns, spend it on an experience. Travel. Be the pompous fuck with a Parisian train station story for the first meal in the res hall. The point is, spend all the money. Spend it selfishly.  Spend it before the phrases like six-month emergency fund or health savings account creep into your consciousness and start fucking up your life.  Spend it before you have to start buying shit you don’t want to buy, like your first dustpan or an economy sized crate of toilet paper (assuming you don’t plan on abusing the building access from your student job and the fact that the janitorial staff, so blithely expecting more from humanity, leave stacks of it sitting in the bathroom).

Some of you ask why. I’ll tell you. The FAFSA was designed to have you put any expendable funds available towards your education. Realistically, you’ll cover your dorm expenses. I’ll admit that’s not nothing, but when your still-technically-a-stranger-slut of a roommate is having sex on your bunk bed you will be forced to recount the cost/benefit of your toils in context. No matter how many fish fry platters you scrape while your friends are getting hopped up on Mountain Dew and touching each other, all of it will be gone before you finish your first year. No matter how many Friday nights you spend letting other people’s kids throw up on you or Saturday mornings fashioning compressed lard into something called a “relish tray,” you will be peddling your own plasma for Ron Diaz by your third semester. Kids, that is a fact (save the brave few of you not reporting your tip money to the IRS, you should save that for toilet paper).

Make no mistake, you should exercise some responsibility. Don’t develop any spendy addictions to prescription pills or Swiss, vegan-certified beauty products that you can’t maintain once you’re in college.  You don’t need that. What you do need, and will highly value someday, is the vague recollection of a time where you didn’t have to shame-sign debit card slips for anything besides tampons and noodles.

Good luck and God bless. 

07

May

From the brunch table: A love song for a burrito

Tell me how I’m supposed to breath with no air.

This burrito’s so big it’s not fair.

I’m about to eat the whole thing ‘cause I don’t care.

No air. No air.

28

Apr

When The Server Asks If We Want Our Check One Hour Before The Bottomless Mimosa Special Ends

20

Apr

Why All Girls Need a Boy Band to Navigate Puberty

I’ll admit that I’ve only watched their performance on SNL, but having been fortunate enough to waltz through puberty during the Golden Age of bubblegum pop boy bands, I understand what an awesome score One Direction is for anyone in a training bra this year. Sure, it initially confuses things when you have to reconcile cooties with the notion that you are licking the jacket of the Backstreet Boys’ self titled debut album; but you’ll be not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman enough to handle it when Millennium comes out.

Sure, to the untrained eye these guys are a uniformed army of mini Matt Bromers with Bieber swoops. Each of them is probably a “type” making tweenettes lunge into puberty when they witness their first hair flip/smize combo. We should celebrate that. Here’s why:

1. Pragmatism

This crop of, God willing, sexually inactive youngsters have been particularly saddled with dating lies (Friends with Benefits/ No Strings Attached movies and books that suggest two equally hot yet perfectly complimentary studs will fight over a girl who is not Megan Fox and/or manages to not put out until marriage). Over the course of the next few years, these boys will have paparazzi document them come out of the closet, end up in Rehab, get caught doing something douchey enough to render them unattractive, or get married to a Mormon or something really young. It will prepare girls for college.

2. Blossoming sense of self

You can read this point as heteronormative and maybe more than a titch anti-feminist, but boy bands offer up some of the first “middle school bitch phase” safe space for girls to take (albeit baby) steps towards asserting taste/individuality. Think about it, you had friend that was into AJ Mclean..she probably has a bunch of tattoos now. Your friend that was into Lance Bass is probably still falling in love with gay guys. If anyone actually liked Chris Kirkpatrick, I bet they went to Coachella in a pancho. I wrote Christa Carter Timberlake on all of my homework assignments in the 5th grade, and I still love me a douchey bro.

3. Aids the transition phase out of little girl phase

There is an awkward lull between when girls burn their Barbies and when they have accumulated enough trophies/art projects/drunk pictures of their BFFs to cover their walls. Teen Bop wallpaper baby.

4. Deflection of reality

Girls mature faster than boys and so starts the very sad attempts at tween romance. Did Billy not understand that the note you gave him in front of EVERYONE took your relationship to the next level? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Your real boyfriend is that one that looks kind of like Chris Colfer. He gets you.

19

Apr

Glossary for My Unwritten Memoir part 1: Aliases

Eve

Eve was born the semester I studied in Italy. This was when I learned that you can dissociate a surprising number of bad habits from yourself by taking on a British accent. Eve curbed hangovers by eating Nutella straight out of an over-sized jar, chain smoked the 10-packs of Chesterfields that she bought out of the coin vendor every morning, found it entirely appropriate to keep a bottle opener in her school bag, and was known to pop a muscle relaxer or two on walking tours of Medieval Tuscan villages. Christa did Eve’s homework.

Trish

Trish goes to bed early and calls noise complaints in on the shitty garage band next door because NOBODY HAS EVER EVEN HEARD OF THEM. Christa’s too cool n’ shit to do that.

Rhonda

Rhonda eats all of the Twix out of the candy jar at work because she doesn’t have any shame or self-control. Christa’s on a diet.

Chrissy

Only the slight variant because Christa goes to happy hour and has a couple beers. Chrissy orders the martinis after the drink specials are over and wanders into Qdoba on the stumble home.