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28

Dec

I first saw this on http://margitmae.com/ and absolutely fell in love with this. Everybody deserves Friend-Love, and I think we’ve all friendcrushed before.

(Source: buzzfeed)

07

Dec

If You Went to High School with Punctuation Marks

This past weekend gave me the luxury of sprawling out on my parents’ couch in suburbia in dog-cuddling, napping, bliss. In addition to this high level of productivity, I was able to finally do some leisure reading. During my print soaked haze, I had a strange dream (cue wavey flash back lines and some 90’s sitcom soundtrack), and though usually I detest people sharing their dreams with me…well, I am the exception to all of my own rules. Without much further adieau I would like to present my dream, If You Went to High School with Punctuation Marks.

* Asterisk: Oh Asterisk, way too perky and always calling attention to yourself.  This is the valedictorian of your high school class. This is the person who, even though the bell just rang, was still asking your Chemistry teacher questions about the extra credit assignment. The asterisk, forcing you to drag your eyes down to the bottom of the page and do extra work for your reading, much like your friend the valedictorian and over-achiever. Both causing you more work, than you ever asked for, although in the long run it will probably be beneficial for you.

[] Square Brackets and Definite Brackets {}: These are those twins you went to high school with. You know the ones that nobody could really tell apart unless they were next to each other. Nobody can ever really remember their names, so one gets labeled “the cute one” and the other gets labeled “the not cute one” (or if you’re feeling particularly acidic you just go for the gold with “the ugly one”). Eventually one of them gets sick of nobody being able to tell them apart, and gets an eyebrow piercing or shaves their head. Nice try Bracket twin, we still don’t care.

! Exclamation Marks: You knew they’d show up at some point…cheerleaders. Tall, skinny, and always trying to get people “revved up”. Especially annoying when they come in multiples!!!! Used sparingly they can be tolerated, but for the majority of the time they are generally overrated and not necessary. (I know, I know. I decided to wear my bitter “I-Was-Fat-In-Highschool” heart on my sleeve today.)

? Question Mark: The high school druggie. Not really a druggie but just a kid that smokes a lot of weed, and takes themselves very seriously when they’re high. Always asking deep and introspective questions about themselves, the universe, but occasionally something simpler like, “Is there any Cheez Whiz left?”

' Apostrophe: The crazy possesive best friend to S. S is cool, sleek, and a little sexy. Apostrophe is not. Everyone always wants S to come along for the ride, join the party, make things a little more exciting. Then there is Apostrophe; short, trying to peek over the shoulder of S, and always getting in the middle. Just back off Apostrophe, ok? Are you like obsessed with S or something? Careful, or the other punctuation marks will start spreading rumors Regina George style…

~ Tilde: The foreign exchange student. Tilde isn’t really attractive, but due to his exotic name and accent, he gets a lot of action during his year abroad. Especially popular with the students in Spanish 101, who “just want to speak like native speakers.”

% Percentage Sign: Poor Percentage Sign, so divided and with so many feelings. However too bad because SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE.

At this point, you’re probably wondering why I haven’t mentioned Comma or Period, but they’re just the standards in high school. You see them around all of the time. They are relatively stable and reliable. They own more than one American Eagle polo, and leave the house in the morning with too much Abercrombie Fierce on. Not necessarily huge contributers, but it wouldn’t be the same without them.

01

Nov

Using peer breeding habits to determine adulthood

Adulthood. Are we there yet?

No way: Peers think they are maybe pregnant and take pregnancy tests in Walmart bathroom stall. False alarm. They start using condoms and taking the pill.

Still no: Peers become accidentally pregnant, and decide to have the baby. After baby is born, they create a Facebook profile for baby. You defriend the parents and the child.

Maaaaaaaaaaybe: Peers are accidentally pregnant, and decide they should probably get married for the baby’s sake. They do not create a Facebook profile, but do create a million albums with pictures of the kid inhaling and exhaling from one shot to the next. You do not defriend them, but do block them from your newsfeed.

Yes: Peers get married and then choose to have children. They live in a suburb and won’t come and visit you because, “the baby is allergic to cats.” You create Facebook profile for your cats. Friend numbers mysteriously drop.

Other indicators of adulthood: Matching furniture and dishware, you no longer throw up the peace sign in pictures, more than one bank account, posters are in frames and not hung up by wall putty, you use the word mortgage more than once a week, you don’t wake up in the clothes you went out in, you never stop to fill up your car with just $5 worth of gas because you are in such a hurry, and your alcohol does not come in plastic bottles with the removable pourer.

29

Oct

PSA: Ladies, please remember this Halloween weekend that you deserve better than “Slutty-Remote-Control,” as a costume.

PSA: Ladies, please remember this Halloween weekend that you deserve better than “Slutty-Remote-Control,” as a costume.

19

Oct

A Letter to the Towing Company That Towed My Car on Saturday

Dear Towing Company,

Fuck you very much. All I wanted was a bowl of fucking pho. You know, the delicious vietnamese soup that is a flavor explosion in your mouth. I just wanted to go out with my girl friends, make some dumb pho puns, (“It’s so pho-cking good.” “This is pho-nomenal” etc.) and then maybe get a little bit of a buzz after and watch Bridget Jones’ Diary. But that didn’t happen, and do you want to know why? BECAUSE YOU PHO-CKING TOWED MY CAR.

I can confidently say, that you single handly ruined my rice noodle and tofu broth experience. There I was, totally content after spoonful upon spoonful of broth and bean spouts, revelling in smugness that I am so culturally diverse and have such an ethnic palate, until I had to shell out $250 to get back my car that you took…  Tell me something, what is the difference between what you have done and what a car thief does?

FUCKING NOTHING.

But really, truly, fuck you very much for givng me the “cash discounted price.” As if that makes any of it seem less shady. Do you know the last time I took $300 out of an ATM?

FUCKING NEVER. ASSHATS. I AM BROKE AS SHIT.

Honestly though, the whole experience was really made better by your slovenly and incompetant employees in your creepy, murder-shackesque building. My friend pointed out that your poor employees don’t even have computers. Do you know why you don’t have computers?

BECAUSE YOU ARE SCAMMING BASTARDS, AND SCAMS DON’T REQUIRE COMPUTERS, FUCKFACES. 

In conclusion, you suck, fuck you, and go to hell.

Love,

Al

P.S. The candy in your 25¢ vending machine is stale and it fucking sucks.

29

Jul

How-To-Online-Date-And-Not-Get-Kidnapped-Murdered-Or-Shanked: Part Four

I’m sure by this point you’re all atwitter with online dating induced hormones due to electronic winks, e-nudges, and witty interweb banter. You’ve made it past the scary, disgusting, and lurking online dating trolls, and you think you are ready for your first IRL interaction.

Part Four: First Dates

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that is troublesome.

Issac Asimov


If you replace, “Life” with “Flirting” and “Death” with “Being in a relationship” then this is totally applicable to online dating. In fact, I’m pretty sure that our man Issac probably meant to say this, but was trying to sound deep to impress some girl. Whatever his intentions, there is a lot to learn from this statement in regards to your online dating life. Here are some things I’ve learned to avoid bad first dates.

Messaging for a long time before you actually meet: If you are new to online dating you are probably nervous to meet with someone after just a few message exchanges. Trust me though, this usually leads to nothing but a lot buildup and quite a bit of disappointment. The wonderful thing about the internet is that it is quite easy to be a different version of yourself, and an internet persona can be well crafted and implemented. For example, after reading a few of my blogs I’m sure you’re imagining me to be socially adept, quick with witty banter and anecdotes, and with a laugh like Julia Roberts. In reality, I usually eat all of my meals hunched over the kitchen sink, and I once received a compliment by saying, “Uhhhh thanks…you have…a nice face.” Not to say that these things aren’t charming in their own regard, but not what I choose to put out there when I’m “spitting game” on a series of tubes.

Remember when I wrote about awkward-side-hug-no-eye-contact-I-hate-my-brothers-guy in Part Three? This was a classic case of well-crafted, internet identity gone awry. Please don’t let it happen to you.

Moral of the story is, don’t invest too much time or energy into their internet persona. Its like the book version of themselves, it is always better than going and seeing it acted out in theaters.  Chances are that you probably are not going to listen to me on this one, and will just have to learn for yourself.

Going on a date after one message: So you didn’t listen to my advice, went on a date that went terribly after sending messages back and forth for five weeks, and now have decided to not spend so much time and energy on the online portion anymore. This is also a bad idea. I did this once, and we had so little common ground to build from that making conversation was painful. To be honest I had just barely skimmed his profile. All I could I remember was that he was a med student, his profile pictures were cute, and that we both like sriracha hot sauce. This translated into finding out he was a bit stuffy, sucked at mancala, and 1 hour and 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back.

Let’s go back to the book and movie version analogy. Before you go see the movie, you’ve probably read at least part of the book right? You have the main gist; you’re fairly certain there are no teen vampires, and you know that Dumbledore is going to die later in the series. Wouldn’t it have been terrible if Edward Cullen had skulked onto the screen in the Sorcerer’s Stone and stabbed Dumbledore? Answer: Yes. Solution? Don’t go on dates after one message.

Not-kidnapped-murdered-or-shanked euphoria: You are probably going to be super nervous for your very first date after reading a blog titled “How-To-Online-Date-And-Not-Get-Kidnapped-Murdered-Or-Shanked.” Odds are it will go just fine. Like a real gentleman he probably left his shiv and kidnapping paraphernalia at home for the first date. {Kidding, kidding, kidding…} You’ll have a few laughs maybe, some polite conversation, and maybe hug goodnight.

Post-date you are going to be relieved and amazed that your face isn’t on the side of a milk carton and you’re not bleeding onto your new blouse from fresh stab wounds. “Wow,” you’ll think to yourself, “this guy really is a keeper.” The next day you will regale your friends with tales about how he didn’t drive an unmarked white van or make death threats to you. They’ll smile and congratulate you, but you see a strange glint in their eyes. Perhaps, envy? Clearly, you’ve found “the one,” and they’re jealous and threatened by the deep connection the two of you made the night previous when he didn’t apprehend or assault you.  You quickly make plans for a second date with him, and are further impressed when he replies with a normal text message and not a picture of his genitalia!

The second date rolls around, and the euphoria begins to wear off. Didn’t he tell this story last time? Why are there so many awkward pauses? Did he really just say, “Thanks brah” to the waiter?  The let down is a bit brutal when you realize this is probably not true love sitting across the table from you, but just a nice person that, like most people, never had the inclination to kidnap, murder, or shank you. Sorry slugger, happens to the best of us. After learning your lesson once, it should be relatively easy to differentiate between infatuation and total relief.

And that, ladies and gents is the conclusion to the online dating tutorial. Questions, concerns, and embarrassing online dating anecdotes for my reading pleasure can be directed here.

Love,

Allison B.

13

Jul

How-To-Online-Date-And-Not-Get-Kidnapped-Murdered-Or-Shanked: Part Three

Ok, so now we’re starting to settle in right? You’ve got your top picks. They all have decent usernames and no pictures with major blood spatter stains or severed limbs in the background. I’m happy to tell you that you are pretty much out of the Kidnapped-Murdered-Or-Shanked Danger Zone. Now it is time to dig into the meat of online dating, the written content.

Lesson Three: Written Content

Show me what’cha workin’ wit

-Mystikal

Any and all written content on a dating website is pivotal. This is the part where people really try and step up their game and best represent themselves, a chance to prove themselves. Mystikal really puts it best in Shake it Fast , “show me what’cha workin wit.”

Sometimes its hard to visual who you would actually want to “work wit.” Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way.

"I’m really shy at first, but once you get to know me…"

You should have stopped reading after “shy at first.” I’m sorry but this is a huge, giant, date-crushing red flag for “this will be so awkward.” I personally did not see this flag before one date, and ended up sitting through the most uncomfortable lunch of my life. I was greeted with a awkward side-hug, eye contact was a bare minimum, and the topic pretty much lingered on how he was really competitive with his brothers and did not get along with them. Check please.

"I’m kind of a foodie" or "I’m a bit of a music snob"

They enjoy good food, cooking, and going out to eat? Great. They listen to The Current, own the entire Beatles anthology, and just got tickets to see Adele? Awesome. They like to describe this in terms that makes them feel superior to everyone. Not so great or awesome. I think it is fantastic that there are people out there who enjoy the finer things, but sometimes a gal just wants to sit at home in her sweatpants, jam out to some top 40, and eat whatever junk food her cupboard possesses. Welcome, leave your judgments at the door and BYOsweatpants. {Things I Will Not Apologize For}

I once went on a date with a guy who described himself as a “foodie.” My first fatal faux pas was asking to explain a creuset. Raised eyebrows and a brief pause, “Oh a creuset is a french cooking dish…blah, blah, blah.”  Later he told me that he and his family go out to eat at a different restaurant every week, a foodie family if you will. I asked him they had ever tried Fasika ‘s Ethiopian Restaurant. After an awkward pause he replied, “I think that might be a little too…ethnic for my mother.” I’m sorry, what? I couldn’t hear you with that silver spoon in your mouth.

Anybody that uses “4” “2” or “u” in ANYTHING.  These shortcuts may be saving them .002 milliseconds every time they use them, but it causes me to lose IQ points just reading them. Nobody is too busy or too important to type out a THREE LETTER WORD, and if they think they are then they may be the type to describe themselves as a “foodie” or a “music snob”. {Please see above}

"I like everything." This is typically an answer when asked about favorite books, movies, music, and television shows. This is also typically a good indicator of either a.) no personality or b.) somebody who so badly wants to be in a relationship that they will like anything you like. Either way you probably don’t want to go there, unless you’re looking for a "build-a-significant-other" project.

Gratuitous sex references. Most likely you’ve already weeded these people out with usernames and profile pictures, but occasionally a few squeak by. If you’re reading their profile and it is reminiscent of the “romance novels” you found in your spinster, 3rd grade teacher’s desk, then it may be time to move on.

Finally, any mention of an ex or past relationships is a huge “AVOID” sign. If their idea of putting their best foot forward is talking about failed relationships then clearly something is wrong. They need some time to heal. Maybe offer them suggestions of good Ben and Jerry’s flavors, loan them your copies of Bridge Jones’ Diary, or send them the link to this killer break-up playlist. It is going to be ok.

All of these rules apply to you creating your profile as well. Now go get ‘em tiger!

Love,

Allison B.

01

Jul

How-To-Online-Date-And-Not-Get-Kidnapped-Murdered-Or-Shanked: Part Deux

Welcome back. Have you made your username? Started perusing the virtual meat market? Exciting, right? There are so many normal people out there! Looking for love! Just like you! It may even be overwhelming with all the options you have got going on now. Have no fear, we can weed a few of those out with some keen profile picture sleuthing.

Lesson Two {throw your deuces up}: Profile Pictures

A picture is worth a thousand words.

While the main point of the photos on dating websites is to see if you are physically attracted to somebody or not, they can say so much more. Let’s read in between the lines, shall we?

Pictures that are clearly from years passed. I spy with my little eye somebody’s high school senior photo, and they’re supposed to be…25? First of all nobody’s senior pictures, ACTUALLY looked good so if this is what they are putting up as the cream of the crop then there may be some issues. Also, if they are supposed to be 25 then they should have a good variety of pictures of themselves, unless they converted to an aboriginal {last I checked, there is no conversion process} or became a vampire.

The Senior Pic: For the record, I will only date a high schooler if they ask me to go steady AND are on prom court.

Only one picture. I’m sorry, but when online dating and trying to avoid getting kidnapped, murdered, or shanked a lady has got to be a little cautious. They could have easily just snagged a picture off of cuteboyswithcats.net to make me swoon, or snapped a shot of some babe with their telephoto lens from their unmarked white van. I’m going to say a minimum of 3 photos is necessary, all showing the same person, in a variety of settings and activities.

The Solitary Photo: Cutie with kitty? Or kidnapper bait?

Angle obscura. Weird angles. Myspace shots. A photo edited to only see somebody’s eye. Can’t see their face. What are they trying to hide? Identifiable scars or birthmarks that could later be used for police reports? Ha! Nice try buddy.

No face photo: Oh yeah, that’s you huh? Tell me something, how the FUCK would I recognize you on our first date? Are you going to be on the jet ski?

Shirtless pictures. A classic bro mating call, perfected during the Fraternatus-Brosefnus stage of life for young males.  Usually followed up with a chant of “awesome dude!” This ritual typically leads to overindulged and egotistical d-bags. Frankly, I don’t care how ripped you are. No shirt, no shoes, no service.

Shirtless Mirror Pic: Sweet work out room, d00d. Tips on how to improve overall mirror shot quality here.

Refuses to smile in any of the pictures and/or making an angry face. I’m really not sure what kind of look these people are trying to portray, but it feels just a little too domestic abuse-y for my taste.

Mad Face: I feel like the next words out of your mouth may be something like, “Make me a sandwich, woman.”

As for your pictures, two pieces of advice. Don’t do that stupid duck face {because no really, you look stupid} and keep the cleavage to a bare minimum. Other than that, just be your charming, effervescent, and lovely self!

Love,

Allison B.

24

Jun

How-To-Online-Date-And-Not-Get-Kidnapped-Murdered-Or-Shanked

I’m about to drop a truth bomb on you. I’m a totally competent, witty, and flirtatious young 20-something and I’m on an online dating website. No, I don’t have a hunch back, more than 15 cats, or severe halitosis. Guess what kiddos, we’re Millennials. Which means we want what we want and we want it now, preferably in some form of smart phone app please.  Cultivating relationships IRL? Forget that noise, online dating is socially acceptable and you should be doing it!

Scared? Don’t be. I’ll teach you the Beginner Basics in my How-To-Online-Date-And-Not-Get-Kidnapped-Murdered-Or-Shanked series.

Lesson One: Usernames

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

-William Shakespeare

Don’t be fooled by this quote. It does not apply at all to what I am about to say. Flowers do not get to choose their names, and therefore they should not be judged or penalized if their name does not reflect how lovely they smell. People do get to choose their usernames, it is a product and representation of that person. Judge them. Judge them hard and often.

First impressions are everything. Truth. This means your username. A lot of times this can be a deal breaker for me, sorry blazin696969 I will not be replying to your message today. Let’s take a quick look at how to decode some of the common mistakes.

Genitalia and/or Sex Act References: Ok FreeMustacheRides and OMGitsHUGE, clearly you are on this website for one thing and one thing only. You either need to make it a little more subtle to increase your odds of anybody touching you or head on over to Craigslist Casual Encounters. I’m sure there is a cougar on there who would love some facial hair infused cunnilingus from you.

Inane Use of Capitalization: bEnLoVeScAke. No, no, no. You are dumb. Why would you do that? Those capital letters don’t belong there, and they definitely don’t make your username more aesthetically pleasing. Do you realize you just wasted energy to switch back and forth pressing the shift button, so you could make your username look like a tween girl’s? Probably not, which is why I will not be sending you an electronic wink.

The use of the words “Fun” “Hottie” or “Sexy”: Sexydream277 where is the mystery? Couldn’t you let me come to my own conclusions of how sexy, hot, or fun you are? Odds are I would probably not chose any of these words to describe you. This makes sense since people who advertise themselves as such are, usually, not.

Ends with “foryou” “4you” or “4u”: tallguy4you. Needy/relationship addict/will date anybody. All for me? We don’t even know each other yet. Oh god, is that a picture of your Maroon 5 tattoo on your profile? This is all moving too fast. It’s not you, it’s me….no it’s you.

Drug references: CheechyChong420, I am not a hater. Get it how you live it. BUT if you like weed so much that that is the first thing you want people to know about you, then this probably won’t work out romantically. We can probably be friends though. I like Taco Bell and won’t make too much fun of your Bob Marley wall tapestry.

As far as creating a username for yourself, I like to stick to a little something called the K.I.S.S. rule that my charming third grade teacher would bark at us. Keep It Simple Stupid. I know you want everyone to know how great your music taste is or your favorite quote, but that is what your profile is for. Avoid anything remotely sexual, for fear of being bombed with messages and online winks by creepers. Sit down at your computer and think up a username that Princess Di or Grace Kelly would approve of, then add your birth year to it and call it a day.

In the end you have to ask yourself, which would you rather smell, a rose or vomitblossombro6969?

Love,

Allison

P.S. What are the best bad usernames you’ve come across?

22

Jun

Some of the LWB contributors on a faux hipster-themed Bachelorette outing! 

Some of the LWB contributors on a faux hipster-themed Bachelorette outing!