20th Century (brizard cacao, cocchi american, lemon, gordons): “My generation, we drink because it’s good, because it feels better than unbuttoning your collar, because we deserve it. We drink because it’s what men do.” - Roger Sterling. This cocktail is Don Draper in a cup, a classic man of distinction with expensive taste and a disregard for the flashy. He’s timeless, but he’s also got mass appeal. Be careful with this one. 

Corpse Reviver #2 (st. george’s absinthe, lemon, cocchi american, cointreau, gordons): Bloody Mary’s male counterpart + a dash of Love Potion #9, this drink is scraggly, yet appealing, just like you after a long night out. You want him but you shouldn’t. This is Johnny Depp with smudged eyeliner in Pirates of the Carribean…minus the dreadlocks.

Tomas Collins (pickle brine, lime, aalborg, seltzer) - He’s the hippest of the bunch. He drives an old motorcycle that he learned to fix growing up and he’s been adding pickle brine to his drinks and wearing Chuck Taylors for years, not knowing it’s the thing to do these days. 

Oliveto (olive oil, egg white, lemon, Licor 43, Gordons): He’s sly, he’s smooth, he slips the egg white into your drink before you know it. He whisks you off on his vespa, carefully securing your helmet before you ride through the dim evening light. While away on business, he calls you late at night to tell you, “Paris just isn’t the same without you.”

Honey Spot (black pepper-infused honey, lemon, cabin still, pilsner): Blipster to the max with his black pepper-infused honey. He performs poetry hiphop on Thursday nights at a divey bar uptown. His v-neck sweater is freshly ironed as he walks with you hand in hand, unabashed, to the coffee shop for espresso and intellectual discourse.

Golden Age (licor 43, cynar, tio pepe, flor de cana gold): Caesar, he’s blinged out, he’s chiseled, and he’s wearing a toga… or at least a well-fitting cardigan.  Remarkable in his dress and stature, you easily stare down this man candy from across the room. He always travels with a group of attractive females to ensure only the boldest of women approach him. Don’t be afraid of this one, he’s yours with confidence. (Pro tip: get to the point; leave him before being left.)

Jack Rose (grenadine, lemon, laird’s 100 proof): If survivor Rose had carried Jack’s baby, this would be his son. Sweet, charming and adventurous with the strength of a survivor of a sinking ship. Too many of these and you’re going down to the bottom, too. You may have to ask the bartender for a side of iceberg to keep you from falling too deep. He’ll cause you to break all the rules much to the display of your family. Go for it. 

El Presidente (grenadine, cointreau, noilly prat dry, flor de cana gold): He’s the original scruffy hipster, comes with a cigar. He has a hairy chest and back. He’s also the guy with Che Guevara posters in his bedroom. He’s the original rebel, the guy Taylor Swift talks about in I Knew You Were Trouble. You know he’s no good, but it’s impossible to turn away when his hand crawls up your neck to the back of your head as he pulls you in. Shame on you. 

Bobby Burns (peychaud’s, benedictine, antica formula, white horse): Bobby Burns is the 1950’s jewel you see in your grandmother’s photos. You’ve known him since grade school, the kid you knew across the street who collected baseball cards growing up. He owns Warby Parkers, a record player and a vintage bicycle. He thinks “Going Dutch” is a crime and takes you out for a greasy spoon brunch every Saturday. Take this crooked smile home to mom. 

To Work

Get really dressed up and go to work at your traditionally uber-casual office. Let everyone think it’s for a job interview at a competing firm and hold your nose a wee bit higher, you smug phony. Go to The Capital Grille for lunch and let them call address you as “miss” and put lemon in your water, even though you’re technically only there to redeem a “Free Meal” coupon.

Volunteering with Children

Reach into the far corners of your closet for your Notorious B.I.G. “Juicy” tee since it’s been awhile. Forget that young children are inquisitive little buggers and try to pose so that “I smoke skunk with my peeps” is never legible. Let the other volunteers raise their eyebrows at your adept wardrobe decision.

On the Back of Yvonne’s Scooter

A pencil skirt and wedges is the obvious choice here, no? Lest we forget that this is a pony without a sidesaddle option. Warning:  Your tote bag is crucial, because you’re going to need to cover your lap while you breeze down Hennepin Avenue and hope to god that a.) no one recognizes you, or b.) decides to honk.

To a Dance Night at First Avenue

A cardigan, with a wool miniskirt. Yes, this happened one time, and years later, this category of clothing still remains a struggle, as I am not too keen on traditional “club wear.” Go buy yourself an LBD that you can accessorize the hell out of! 

To a High School Basketball Game

Your class sweatshirt—can I get a whoop whoop for the Class of ‘06?!—and a pair of kitten heels (pin-curled hair optional). Why? Because you’ve got unique style! You wore plastic teardrop clip-on earrings to Kindergarten! You rocked butterfly clips like no one’s business in middle school! And damnit, you were voted “Best Dressed” runner-up senior year! [Preach, Miley.]

Disclaimer:  This is lengthy, because I want you to be happy and lucky in online love. Okay?

“How exactly does one meet men while employed full-time?”*

Ah, yes.

If this thought hasn’t leapt into your mind at least once, you must be in a long-term relationship, an avid believer in serendipity, or really good at going out on weeknights…and consequently, excellent at feigning a solid work ethic while hungover. Right?

Well, for those of us who aren’t fortunate enough to fall into the above criteria, the natural/immediate response to this question is obvious:  Do not work full-time.

However, trust fund babies we are not, so Meg and I spent the evening pondering various ways our oh-so-connected generation could leverage our existing social networks and ameliorate the situation. (Sorry if you’re barfing—I attended business school and solemnly swear to never use “leverage” or “ameliorate” on a date…or anywhere else but here.)

Ready? Here goes…

Yelp: Let’s say you see David H.’s review of CC Club on Yelp, and find yourself briskly swept away on account of his sparkling syntax. How does one approach the situation and casually drop that you’d like nothing more than to try out some bookmarked venues together? Well, this one’s easy if you both happen to be Yelp Elite because there are predetermined events set up for you, complete with free booze. Quick! Become a fan of David H.’s reviews (and note, this is completely anonymous) to engage in some light stalking. Is he participating in Talk threads? Can you contribute to said thread in a meaningful manner? Excellent. Can you determine whether he’s attending an upcoming Yelp excursion? Good. Yelp is basically the Cinderella story of online dating if you can pretend 8 p.m. is midnight (as most events don’t last beyond 2 hours) or happen to be attending a Disney-themed event.  

Pro Tip: Becoming Yelp Elite is essential for success. If he’s already in this esteemed group of Yelp folk, you’ll see the badge on his profile. If not, you have a built-in excuse to invite him as your +1 to fun parties, under the guise of “introducing other Yelpers to Elite status.” What a good-Yelp-samaritan, you are!

LinkedIn:  LinkedIn is a mullet…business in the front, party in the back. The “back” being your private message inbox. The key to meeting someone on LinkedIn is all about making them feel important and relatively successful. Is this object of your affection already in your network? Great. Suggest meeting for coffee to “catch up” on what they’re working on. Let the conversation gradually move from ego-massaging professional inquiries, to social opportunities. “Oh you’re a part of 4As too? We should attend the next speaker series together!” See? If you’re not already connected to said individual, check out the groups they’re in. Send them a message about something that intrigues you and wait for their response. If you must resort to stalking their group threads and interjecting conversations, go for it. You’re just a savvy networker, not a semi-professional stalker!

Pro Tip:  If you upgrade your LinkedIn account it becomes much easier to creep-stalk, though this feature is traditionally reserved for recruiters and job hunters. We do not encourage you to pretend you’re an HR representative from a Fortune 500 company for the sake of acquiring a date. That’s messy.

Now, Twitter, or as I like to call it, the lover’s playground! Do you have any idea how much you can get to know someone over 140-character updates in real time? Twitter is your oyster, young fish in the sea! Not only do you have access to every single thing they’re interested in, but you can respond to their deepest thoughts and immediate frustrations in an incredibly timely manner. (Not to mention that your funniest quips are least likely to be misinterpreted as desperate pleas for attention in this network.) So have fun projecting the more confident, outgoing and thoughtful version of yourself to the world!

Pro Tip:  Whatever you do, do NOT lock your profile. You don’t want to seem standoffish and you never know when “the one” might “@” you.

Spotify:  Start stalking your love interest’s music taste and subscribe yourself to a select few—so as to not seem overbearing—playlists they created. Notice their impeccable taste in Top 40s, and send them the latest release from Bieber. As the relationship progresses—which it will, because what relationship DOESN’T progress over mutual music taste?—you can co-craft a “Wedding Songs” playlist which you can unironically play at your future wedding. You’re welcome for the cute story. 

I think that’s enough material for now. Let me know how you fare, young grasshoppers..and stay tuned for pt. 2! 

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* While online dating services exist, that is too obvious an option, so I am choosing to ignore them. 

A couple of weekends ago, I had the pleasure of meeting Ron, a gentleman in his late 60s/early 70s who works at the Kitchen Window store in Uptown. As I listened to him gush about the differences in cookware craftsmanship in Switzerland versus Germany, and the history of woks, it made me peculiarly happy. 

I don’t know anything about Ron beyond his love for quality cookware and appetizing meals, but he reminded me that happiness and contentment are malleable, and something that only we can define for ourselves.

So I am dedicating today to Ron:  Thank you for helping my friend find the perfect wok, and for reminding me to live with intention. 

Tell me how I’m supposed to breath with no air.

This burrito’s so big it’s not fair.

I’m about to eat the whole thing ‘cause I don’t care.

No air. No air.

Whether you like it or not, it’s hard to refute that HBO’s Girls is doing something right. The advertising exec version of myself might actually say “Look at all of this passionate commentary it’s generated from its target audience!” and give Lena Dunham a virtual thumbs up or a +k in “females.” 

While I don’t love everything about the show, it really has shown me more—sometimes ugly—truth than a fitting room mirror. Take this (abridged) exchange from last night’s episode, for example:

Hannah on the phone with Marnie while she’s at work

Hannah:  ”Marnie, I got the test results back…I have HPV…”

Marnie:  —crying— “Why would this happen to you? You’re so careful. This shouldn’t happen to you.” Etc. Etc.

Hannah:  ”Really, I’m going to be OK. Don’t cry, please.”

Marnie:  ”OK, I hate to bring this up now, but rent is due in a week.”

Hannah:  ”Really?! You know that I’m basically pre-death right now, right?!”

This is a classic structure, folks.

It might be hard to think of a time when this has happened with a girlfriend since we tend to present the more buttoned-up/rational versions of ourselves, but holy hell, if I had a dollar for every time this has happened between me and my significant other mom.

Person A: Presents [problem].

Person B: Sympathizes with Person A’s [problem].

Person A: Insists that [problem] is really not that bad.

Person B: Inserts their [problem] which relates to Person A.

Person A: Immediately offended that Person B could even attempt to mention their [problem] at a time like this when they are dealing with their [problem].

Smell what I’m stepping in?

I really wish I could go back in time to high school graduation (not really) and gift myself this sitcom. You can keep the “Live the life you’ve imagined!” wall decal. I may not take naked* baths with my BFF, but I can still relate to this show x100.

Besides, how rare is it to feel more enlightened after watching a TV show?

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* One time in college, Allison & I created the po’ girl’s hot tub and took a hot bath in our swimsuits. Photos of this event may or may not exist.

Every time something negative happens, you get to eat a whole pizza*

1. Creepy neighbor inexplicably breaks into roommate’s room at 4 a.m. with flashlight? —> Toppers’ create-your-own, extra cheese

2. Discover that the apartment that you’ve been actively ‘nesting’ in for 8 months is partaking in a FORECLOSURE AUCTION soon? —> Green Mill, margherita, pescara crust!

I don’t know what the third thing is yet…but fuck it, I’ll be ordering Luce. An Athena.

*I only like salad when I’m laughing alone.