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Things I’ve Learned Reporting from the Border of Pathetic and Functioning

The pages of the newspapers are filled with stories of contentious boarder conflicts, and my non-existent journal (and subsequent blog post) are no exception. Here are some factoids I picked up from where I live, the boarder of Pathetic and Functioning.

1. Watching 6 episodes of Intervention  in a row does not diminish your desire to consume alcohol as much as you would expect. Plan accordingly.

2. If every week you come into work five minutes later than the week before, you will eventually be an hour late for work. Everyday. This is a very hard trend to correct.

3. Lettuce goes bad really quickly. Don’t buy it on a Thursday.

4. That blasphemous Dawson’s Creek theme song on Nextfix happened because it was the song used for the international syndication of the show. It is called “Run Like Mad,” which is what my ears want to do at the beginning of every episode, but I stick it out, for Pacey’s sake.

5. Somewhere between hour 36 and 48 of leaving clothes in the wash machine is when the moldy smell sets in. I have intentions to narrow it down in the future. 

6. If used as a regular mattress, an air mattress has a 30 day life expectancy. 

7. Always lie to your coworkers when they ask you what you’ve done over the weekend or what you plan to do the following weekend. Some nice options to have on hand: general errand running, visiting your mother, growing herbs, entertaining a friend from out of town. You don’t need to sound like Mother Teresa, but the idea is to avoid telling them that you want to shut yourself in your room eating ice cream between bouts of heavy drinking every time they ask. 

8. It’s not happy hour if it ends at 5. Choose locations accordingly.

9. Taking Facebook breaks between every minute task at work is an issue that will need to be addressed. Eventually (more input on this to follow).

10. You actually need to go to the gym to get the insurance contribution every month. As a general rule of thumb, start paying attention to this before the 25th of every month. 

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