Translations: What Mom Says v. What I Hear
“How is your social life?”
You couldn’t possibly still be single, right?
(or six months into this line of questioning)
Are you a lesbian? It’s okay if you are, but you still have to have grandchildren. Soon.
“He watches a lot of movies with bombs.”
I think your brother is spending too much time with the Pakistani neighbor.
“Oh, I was wondering if you were okay.”
So you finally decided to fucking call.
“Do you have a headache?”
Do you want a Vicodin?
“I was busy…..”
Be sure you will dry heave until you discard vital internal organs if I complete the rest of this sentence.