Alternate title: Things Normal People Don’t Talk About

“What are you doing next Friday?”
“Um, I’m babysitting until 10, but I’m free after.”

“I thought you took Plan B?”
“Well, I got lazy and figured I’d just get an abortion.”

“How was your blind date?”
“We went to a potluck with half bottles of rum, gin and vodka. Then we went to the gay bar, I blacked out and made a lot of friends. He paid.”

“Cat Power? That sounds like a band we should be into.”

“I taped Nicki Minaj’s ‘Monster’ lyrics to my steering wheel and listened to it on repeat so I could fit in with you guys!”

“How was work?”
“Today I got so depressed that I bought $430 in clothing online from Dorthy Perkins. My credit card company called me to report fraudulent charges. They also said my last 10 purchases were 10 different bars and 1 liquor store.”

“So, I think I’m sort of kelpto.”
“Why?”
“Because I often have to restrain myself from stealing toilet paper from public restrooms. Also, I’m poor.”

“What are we doing this weekend?”
“Idk, drinking and breading our cats” 

“Weird, that lady brought a book to the bar.”
“At least she’s using it as a coaster for her martini.”

“I was cheap in High School.”
“I’m still cheap.”