Disclaimer: this list is in no way reflective of my personal resolutions, nor a compilation of the resolutions of anyone I had beers with at Keegans last night.

1. Smoke more weed

You realized you are never going to achieve the “direction” you thought would compliment finishing college, so you’ve opted to abandon your feigned stage of post-bacc ambition and try out being a pot head. You never really gave this stage its due in college, but now you can be the out of place yuppie in a Dinkytown head shop.

-OR-

You cannot afford to support any combination of the following ongoing expenses, so this is more optimal:

-your Corepower membership

-your therapist

-your glaucoma eye drops

2. Invest in your future

You inadvertently channeled your future MILF-self with a free Surdyk’s pin that says “I <3 YN” and said, only partial tongue-in-cheek, “I’M A COOL MOM.” The general trend of this conversation ended with “hope chests” and you liked it. And you plan to put the I <3 YN pin in the hope chest, un-ironically. It’s only a matter of time til you’re a MILF.

3. Be more independent

You are making an attempt to count waking up to last night’s snack and a vibrator as a “step forward” from relapsing into toxic late night encounters with…nobody in particular. You are, after all, a strong, independent, female!….who has it all.

4. Do more yoga

You told your friends it was because you wanted to “become a better version of yourself,” but nobody actually talks like that.  It’s because your yoga instructor is the only man who ever touches you. And, well, it gets hot and sweaty in there.