Despite aforementioned events, I love taking the bus. However, I don’t always pack or dress appropriately for the commute. I either appear to be running away ala Alex-Alex-10-bags or in today’s case, the early bird version of a lady of the night.

This is how it went:

8:05 a.m. Board bus. Immediately direct attention to nearest open seat. Make a swift once-over to inspect fellow passengers and initiate standard eye-contact-avoiding procedure. Why? Because life has taught you that the odds of meeting your dream man on the 4 are slim!

8:06 a.m. Adjust trench coat so wool shorts are visible to the public. Attempt to do this while sitting like a lady. Tricky!

8:07 a.m. Decide which iPhone app to check first. Twitter? Certainly.

8:08 a.m. Try to load extremely vague tweet that promises photo of Ryan Gosling. Hear him saying “hey girl..” in your head.

8:10 a.m. Get frustrated for choosing 3G when 4G was an option. Think about a cute way to submit that to #whitegirlproblems without appearing to be high maintenance.

8:10:05 a.m. Decide it can’t be done. ABORT!

8:11 a.m. Re-adjust trench coat to prove that there really are wool shorts underneath. Make a facial expression that says “No, my place of work does not have a Topless Girls! sign beckoning you to enter. Believe!”

8:13 a.m. Start mentally mapping out path-of-least-human-interaction for arrival. Cannot deal with normal human interaction pre-10 a.m.

8:21 a.m. Exit. Commend yourself for not landing on all fours this time!