I’ve been on a quest to find the perfect karaoke song for some time now but, despite my repeat performance in NORTH DAKOTA ALL-STATE HONOR CHOIR in middle school (this is the only time I’m going to be able to brag about that, ever), I’m not quite ready for a soulful, solo performance at the mic. 

I haven’t found the perfect 2 a.m. bar ballad yet, but I have found a few songs that make you look like an idiot, and a few songs that don’t: 

FAILURES OF EPIC PROPORTIONS: 

Jumpin’, Jumpin’ - Destiny’s Child: Ladies, leave yo man at home if you plan on doing this song, because it is bloody hard, and neither yo man nor yo crowd will be impressed by your efforts. 

All My Life - K-Ci and Jo Jo: This would be on the success list if the man in charge of karaoke hadn’t accidentally put on All My Life by the Foo Fighters instead of the 90s ballad you requested. Despite being baffled by the power chords coming out of the machine, you and your friend will bumble along stout-heartedly until the third member of your group (cough Alex cough) turns to the man and says “Stop. Just stop.” 

What Would You Do - City High: This gem will seem like the perfect song to bellow along to at the quasi high school reunion that happens every Thanksgiving Eve in your hometown. However, if you don’t do an adequate job at the (very fast!) rap part, a large man from the crowd will step in, grab your microphone and do the damn thing himself. You will feel ashamed that your game is not up to Fargo, ND rap standards. 

(Author’s note: Those white slits are not the eyes of a human being.Those are the eyes of a soulless, karaoke-doing zombie.)

RELATIVE SUCCESSES: 

Lady Marmalade - Christina Aguilera, Lil’ Kim, Mya, Pink: When your friend eagerly wants to sing this song at a crowded Mexican restaurant on her birthday, you will stifle your grimace and give it a valiant try, despite not having had any 2-for-1 margaritas yet. You will be pleasantly surprised when the crowd loves it, and you will learn that karaoke is not limited to a mere stage and that dancing through the crowd is strongly encouraged at Pancho Villa. 

Your Love - The Outfield: As long as you have a decent shouting voice, you’ll be golden on this song. And, if you have a really good shouting voice (as some of us delicate lady tenors do), a guy in the crowd will start fist pumping, which is basically the Holy Grail of karaoke. 

Ironic - Alanis Morissette: This song will be the triumph of your karaoke career, as it very well should be after the $10 it took to bribe the karaoke cop at the Vegas Lounge into letting you sing it. It’s a littttle high at times, but there seems to be a strange correlation between number of whiskey-gingers drank, and ability to hit notes you usually can’t. Plus, by the first “IT’S LIKE RAAAAA-AAAAAIN” the entire crowd will be singing along with you. Note to future karaoke stars: Alanis Morissette is the great human equalizer.  

How about you? Any karaoke gems in your repertoire that we should know about?