You know how they say people resemble their pets? Well, perhaps this is somewhat of a departure from that, but a couple of hot toddies and Lady Weisenberger reassured me that the men in our lives are, in fact, as diverse as our handbag collections. Allow me to elaborate.

Trendy ‘Fling’ Purse. You know he won’t be around your entire life so you don’t invest much, but at the moment he’s fun to take out. Later on you either hate him and denounce that phase of your life, or refer to it as a “learning experience.” Your friends pretended to be supportive while you were together but voiced their disapproval post-split. (Exhibit A= Bustier Bags.)

Black Leather + Metal Hardware. Classy exterior, but difficult to trust. You go out to the bar together and all eyes are on him. He gives you a false sense of security because he is immediately taken by another woman if left unattended for a second. Although disappointed initially, you decide you can do better because he was actually pretty cheap and generic.

Nylon Backpack or Cross-Body ‘Alt’ Bag. Remember that time you decided you really wanted to go camping? This guy took you. And you were drawn to him simply because he wasn’t like your other bags. He exudes an air that is practical, no-nonsense, rugged and outdoorsy. He thinks you’re prettiest without makeup and is the antithesis of black leather guy.

Sequin Clutch. He’s almost too gay to function and is appreciated by all of your friends. While he’s fun and encourages blatant self-expression, he’s not meant to join you on a first date. He sure as hell will take you out dancing after though!

Worn-in Brown Leather Bag. He’s one of the few who transitions well from day to night which—YOU GUESSED IT!—makes him a keeper. A lot of women spend their whole lives looking for this guy because he’s hard to come by. He carries your books, keeps those mints you like on hand and is your mom’s favorite. Know what I mean?

Please don’t use this against me in an embarrassing wedding reception speech.