Adulthood. Are we there yet?

No way: Peers think they are maybe pregnant and take pregnancy tests in Walmart bathroom stall. False alarm. They start using condoms and taking the pill.

Still no: Peers become accidentally pregnant, and decide to have the baby. After baby is born, they create a Facebook profile for baby. You defriend the parents and the child.

Maaaaaaaaaaybe: Peers are accidentally pregnant, and decide they should probably get married for the baby’s sake. They do not create a Facebook profile, but do create a million albums with pictures of the kid inhaling and exhaling from one shot to the next. You do not defriend them, but do block them from your newsfeed.

Yes: Peers get married and then choose to have children. They live in a suburb and won’t come and visit you because, “the baby is allergic to cats.” You create Facebook profile for your cats. Friend numbers mysteriously drop.

Other indicators of adulthood: Matching furniture and dishware, you no longer throw up the peace sign in pictures, more than one bank account, posters are in frames and not hung up by wall putty, you use the word mortgage more than once a week, you don’t wake up in the clothes you went out in, you never stop to fill up your car with just $5 worth of gas because you are in such a hurry, and your alcohol does not come in plastic bottles with the removable pourer.