Lynda Carter and Debra Winger on Wonder Woman 1970’s
Channeling this today. Bitches get stuff done.
Ugh, we have so many cityscapes! — A slightly-anonymous bruncher, reminding us what it’s like to live in a shared space with a roommate.
What Netflix Thinks I Want to Watch:
Critically-Acclaimed Quirky Independent Movies
Witty Romantic Comedies
Feel-Good Social & Cultural Documentaries
Heartfelt Dramas Featuring a Strong Female Lead
Emotional Suspenseful TV Shows
What I Really Want to Watch:
Movies About Dancing, Preferably in Urban Areas
Anything That Will Make Me Cry, Especially When I’m Feeling Sulky
Things Featuring Adrien Brody and His Perfect Thin Eyebrows and Perfect Long Nose
Romantic Movies Set in New York City in The Autumn
Toddlers & Tiaras
A few years back, I found a great babysitting gig on Craigslist. Years later, I am still watching this child every once in a while…even after her mother saw me dancing on a pole at a bar one night.
Running on 3 hours of sleep and a tall bloody mary…watching 3 little girls at their first sleepover…
Child: “What are hot dogs made of?”
Bbysitter: “You can’t handle the truth”
Tip: Never tell children the truth if it might make them complain later.
Bbysitter: ”Let’s watch Shrek.”
Children: “Let’s play poison the babysitter!”
Tip: Don’t let the kids watch Lifetime movies.
Child 1: “I can’t sleep, my leg hurts.”
Child 2: “My leg hurts, too!!!”
Bbysitter: “No, it doesn’t.”
Child 3: “But MY leg hurts!”
Bbysitter: “Oh, I’m sorry I can’t help you girls…my leg hurts.”
Tip: Children will usually shut up if you turn their own complaints against them
Babysitter: “You’re in trouble.”
Child: “NO IM NOT!”
Babysitter: “I’m calling the cops if you don’t go to bed.”
Tip: Kids are surprisingly afraid of the police. More than the threat of telling mom and dad, but less than the threat of telling Santa. A nice happy medium.
Get really dressed up and go to work at your traditionally uber-casual office. Let everyone think it’s for a job interview at a competing firm and hold your nose a wee bit higher, you smug phony. Go to The Capital Grille for lunch and let them call address you as “miss” and put lemon in your water, even though you’re technically only there to redeem a “Free Meal” coupon.
Volunteering with Children
Reach into the far corners of your closet for your Notorious B.I.G. “Juicy” tee since it’s been awhile. Forget that young children are inquisitive little buggers and try to pose so that “I smoke skunk with my peeps” is never legible. Let the other volunteers raise their eyebrows at your adept wardrobe decision.
On the Back of Yvonne’s Scooter
A pencil skirt and wedges is the obvious choice here, no? Lest we forget that this is a pony without a sidesaddle option. Warning: Your tote bag is crucial, because you’re going to need to cover your lap while you breeze down Hennepin Avenue and hope to god that a.) no one recognizes you, or b.) decides to honk.
To a Dance Night at First Avenue
A cardigan, with a wool miniskirt. Yes, this happened one time, and years later, this category of clothing still remains a struggle, as I am not too keen on traditional “club wear.” Go buy yourself an LBD that you can accessorize the hell out of!
To a High School Basketball Game
Your class sweatshirt—can I get a whoop whoop for the Class of ‘06?!—and a pair of kitten heels (pin-curled hair optional). Why? Because you’ve got unique style! You wore plastic teardrop clip-on earrings to Kindergarten! You rocked butterfly clips like no one’s business in middle school! And damnit, you were voted “Best Dressed” runner-up senior year! [Preach, Miley.]
It’s a well-known and sadly true fact that Midwestern men simply are not ballsy enough (in terms of hitting on women, specifically me). Go to any bar on the coast (I imagine) and men will buy you drinks on drinks on drinks. But the good ol’ Minnesota Nice mentality really fails here when a guy “Just doesn’t want to bother that pretty girl across the bar. What if she thinks I’m too forward???” At least this is what I imagine goes through their minds.
So I was pretty fucking excited when a guy walked up to me one drunken Pride weekend and said, “You want my number.” Being the saucy minx that I am, I responded with, “No. But you want mine.” And then I winked. It was clear right off the bat that we were meant to be. Below is our text conversation and subsequently, highlights from the most romantic date in history.
Me: What are you up to?
Boo: Hanging out in Brooklyn Park
Boo: Why is that?
Me: I was singing Captain & Teneill’s Love Will Keep Us Together at karaoke and your image kept coming to mind.
Boo: Awesome, was this text intended for muah tho?
Me: I’m going to take off all of my clothes and go for a dip in the deliciously desirable summer evening. I wish you were here, boo.
Boo: I wish I was there too, hun.
Me: Dick pic?
Me: Scared? YOLO.
Boo: <shirtless mirror pic with a palm tree towel in the background>
Me: People tell me I look a lot like Kim Kardashian.
Me: So are we boyfriend-girlfriend or what? Circle (yes) (no) (hell yes). If you say maybe the date’s off. I like my men decisive.
Boo. No, but text me in the morning, dear!
Me: Dream of me.
Boo: If I could control them, I would ;-)
Me: Oh I see, still having that middle school boy problem?
Boo: I don’t know what you mean. Good morning though!
After attempting to fuck with him, and him still wanting to meet me, I had a brief glimmer of hope that maybe he was actually my dream man and he was just as crazy as I. I became excited that maybe when I saw his face for the first time (sober), we would have love at first (second) sight. However, his gullible little face, slight build, and strangely sharp incisors only made me want to fuck with him more. Call me a bad person, but I had a hell of a lot of fun.
I sat on the same side of the booth as him, ordered a smoking volcano drink meant for 4 people to share, my dress broke, and I told him I’m a virgin. He said, “virgins don’t ask for dick pics.” He touched my knee and asked if it was all right. His voice cracked. He went in for a kiss and I closed my mouth. He went to the bathroom 4 times (nervous diarrhea??). I told him all about the bear claw tattoos on my ass cheeks. Googled a picture of Eve’s titty tats to give him a better idea. Then told him all about my kitty cat. Showed him every picture of my cat that exists on my phone (there are hundreds.)
He still texts me to hang out.
In other words, where I thought I was getting a ballsy, confident man, I really got a nervous, desperate guy who still tries to take me tubing. I guess it’s time to reactivate that OKCupid profile…
Disclaimer: This is lengthy, because I want you to be happy and lucky in online love. Okay?
“How exactly does one meet men while employed full-time?”*
If this thought hasn’t leapt into your mind at least once, you must be in a long-term relationship, an avid believer in serendipity, or really good at going out on weeknights…and consequently, excellent at feigning a solid work ethic while hungover. Right?
Well, for those of us who aren’t fortunate enough to fall into the above criteria, the natural/immediate response to this question is obvious: Do not work full-time.
However, trust fund babies we are not, so Meg and I spent the evening pondering various ways our oh-so-connected generation could leverage our existing social networks and ameliorate the situation. (Sorry if you’re barfing—I attended business school and solemnly swear to never use “leverage” or “ameliorate” on a date…or anywhere else but here.)
Ready? Here goes…
Yelp: Let’s say you see David H.’s review of CC Club on Yelp, and find yourself briskly swept away on account of his sparkling syntax. How does one approach the situation and casually drop that you’d like nothing more than to try out some bookmarked venues together? Well, this one’s easy if you both happen to be Yelp Elite because there are predetermined events set up for you, complete with free booze. Quick! Become a fan of David H.’s reviews (and note, this is completely anonymous) to engage in some light stalking. Is he participating in Talk threads? Can you contribute to said thread in a meaningful manner? Excellent. Can you determine whether he’s attending an upcoming Yelp excursion? Good. Yelp is basically the Cinderella story of online dating if you can pretend 8 p.m. is midnight (as most events don’t last beyond 2 hours) or happen to be attending a Disney-themed event.
Pro Tip: Becoming Yelp Elite is essential for success. If he’s already in this esteemed group of Yelp folk, you’ll see the badge on his profile. If not, you have a built-in excuse to invite him as your +1 to fun parties, under the guise of “introducing other Yelpers to Elite status.” What a good-Yelp-samaritan, you are!
LinkedIn: LinkedIn is a mullet…business in the front, party in the back. The “back” being your private message inbox. The key to meeting someone on LinkedIn is all about making them feel important and relatively successful. Is this object of your affection already in your network? Great. Suggest meeting for coffee to “catch up” on what they’re working on. Let the conversation gradually move from ego-massaging professional inquiries, to social opportunities. “Oh you’re a part of 4As too? We should attend the next speaker series together!” See? If you’re not already connected to said individual, check out the groups they’re in. Send them a message about something that intrigues you and wait for their response. If you must resort to stalking their group threads and interjecting conversations, go for it. You’re just a savvy networker, not a semi-professional stalker!
Pro Tip: If you upgrade your LinkedIn account it becomes much easier to creep-stalk, though this feature is traditionally reserved for recruiters and job hunters. We do not encourage you to pretend you’re an HR representative from a Fortune 500 company for the sake of acquiring a date. That’s messy.
Now, Twitter, or as I like to call it, the lover’s playground! Do you have any idea how much you can get to know someone over 140-character updates in real time? Twitter is your oyster, young fish in the sea! Not only do you have access to every single thing they’re interested in, but you can respond to their deepest thoughts and immediate frustrations in an incredibly timely manner. (Not to mention that your funniest quips are least likely to be misinterpreted as desperate pleas for attention in this network.) So have fun projecting the more confident, outgoing and thoughtful version of yourself to the world!
Pro Tip: Whatever you do, do NOT lock your profile. You don’t want to seem standoffish and you never know when “the one” might “@” you.
Spotify: Start stalking your love interest’s music taste and subscribe yourself to a select few—so as to not seem overbearing—playlists they created. Notice their impeccable taste in Top 40s, and send them the latest release from Bieber. As the relationship progresses—which it will, because what relationship DOESN’T progress over mutual music taste?—you can co-craft a “Wedding Songs” playlist which you can unironically play at your future wedding. You’re welcome for the cute story.
I think that’s enough material for now. Let me know how you fare, young grasshoppers..and stay tuned for pt. 2!
* While online dating services exist, that is too obvious an option, so I am choosing to ignore them.
I can’t help how funny I thought this was!
Wu Tangy Zesty Chicken
Bon Bon Iver
Fleetwood Mac and Cheese
30 Seconds to McDonalds
De la Cereal Bowl
Panic! at Nabisco
Teegan and Sara Lee
The Mamas and the Papas Fritas
Milli Vanilli Waffers
Ben Folds Five Guys
Papa John’s Roach
Cheese Whiz Khalifa
Taco Belle and Sabastian
A couple of weekends ago, I had the pleasure of meeting Ron, a gentleman in his late 60s/early 70s who works at the Kitchen Window store in Uptown. As I listened to him gush about the differences in cookware craftsmanship in Switzerland versus Germany, and the history of woks, it made me peculiarly happy.
I don’t know anything about Ron beyond his love for quality cookware and appetizing meals, but he reminded me that happiness and contentment are malleable, and something that only we can define for ourselves.
So I am dedicating today to Ron: Thank you for helping my friend find the perfect wok, and for reminding me to live with intention.
“I checked in therefore I am here.” Descartes
“Anyone who trades Nashville for Normal deserves neither Nashville nor Normal.” - Ben Franklin
“Linkedin is the essence of vileness.” - Kant
“A wise man #’s because he has something to tag. A fool #’s because he has to tag something.” Plato
“All filters are based on deception.” Sun Tzu
“The un-Pathed life is not worth living.” -Socrates
“If men were born without an iphone, they would, so long as they remained without an iphone, form no conception of good and evil.” -Spinoza