If you are of the procrastinating sort, like me, you probably start your “get fit for the summer” diet at the end of June. Silly? No. It’s strategic. In the event that your crash diet takes you along with it, the proverbial yo-yo won’t swing up again until September. By that time, you’ll be long gone and in the throes of cardigan season, basking in flabby-arm-and- muffin-top-covering bliss. Here are a few pointers to get through the first week and keep your sanity and bitchy attitude in check.
Saturday You chose to start your diet on a Saturday so you could clean your room, read, and do laundry – all of the things you generally feel like shit for not doing enough of – in an attempt to get off on the right foot with the new and improved you. Do those things. If fate happens to prefer that you lay in your bed re-watching every episode of The Pacific, that’s fine too.
Sunday It is imperative that you go to the grocery store early on Sunday. It is the only day you will actually believe that lettuce with tuna sounds like an excellent lunch option.
Monday Your usual passive aggressive attitude towards co-workers, more notably, student employees will distill down to regular old aggression. Go with it. If you say something out of line, excuse yourself to the coffee shop and said comment will be shrugged off as a caffeine craving. The second time you do it, the student will lose the audacity to watch Hulu in front of you. Office productivity is up and you feel slimmer already.
Tuesday Today, cheesy inspirational quotes will start to resonate to a degree that you may not be comfortable with. Let your cynical side take a breather as this will not last long. Did you make an idea board? It’s okay.
Wednesday If you are a person who is perpetually lost with little to no sense of direction, today a nice lady will ask you for directions in a state of distress. Be nice…this is definitely one of those instances where being a bitch isn’t cute. You should avoid people who don’t find it cute completely, so spend most of your evenings at the gym, shower, and go straight to bed.
Thursday The usual antics to keep yourself focused at work might start to lose their edge. Take to drinking copious amounts of water and tea. Some may say that this is a great way to stay healthy and hydrates, perhaps curb hunger. The more important thing is that you frequent the ladies room to repeatedly remind yourself that your pants are fitting looser. Not happening because you have something with an elastic wait? Put on something with a button because that is likely the reason you have to binge diet.
Friday Okay….you might have the hang of this. No, you do not have the hang of this. The stink eye has become a permanent fixture on your face, which will only be directed at the clock. Just accept the invitation to happy hour and save your daily caloric intake for vodka. You will get bombed after two vodka sodas and be okay with the idea of sticking around for a trip to the gay bar. When your friends order fried food, excuse yourself to the bar to buy a pack of cigarettes. Strike up a conversation with a couple of bears on the patio and call it an evening. This won’t necessarily make you feel “good” by any stretch of the imagination, but you will have a buzz and an audience who finds your short fuse and bitchy attitude endearing.
Repeat. Until you lose it. Happy bikini season, ladies.
You know when you’re out at a bar and your friend starts talking to some guy and you get stuck talking to his inevitably less attractive friend? This is the perfect opportunity to turn an undesirable situation into a fun game (see blog tagline). Disclaimer: The following method is for those who are too nice (read: cowardly) to simply tell someone they aren’t interested.
The thing about having an exceptionally dry sense of humor is that people who don’t know you don’t know you’re joking. Now this may seem obvious to you, but after years of failed attempts at jokes…life sucks, okay? However, the benefits of your sense of humor can be two-fold when played in a clever manner:
1.) If someone understands your sense of humor, you have found a kindred spirit. A new friend.
2.) If he doesn’t get it, you can use his innocence against him in a fun game of mind fucking.
It’s easy. After a few pleasantries, begin to spout off lies (“jokes”) in a casual tone. If this doesn’t come as naturally to you as it does me just say some weird shit. This can be anything. If he asks what you studied in school, tell him you attended the School of Magic at the University of Minnesota. It’s really prestigious. (Thanks to my BFF Chris Ryan for this gem.) Say you’ll crush his ribs. I don’t know. Personally, I like to make (sometimes empty) threats. Don’t smile. These threats may come off as cute if you smile or laugh. Give him a brief glimpse of your crazyeyes. If you’re not familiar with crazyeyes, try this: give a blank stare then open your eyes wide for a second without raising your eyebrows. It may seem subtle when looking in the mirror, but if someone is making eye contact/paying attention, crazyeyes will not be missed. If your nostrils flare out, it adds to the intensity. After completing the crazyeyes stage, repeat.
It’s really simple if you’re a weirdo like I am. I find this method so much easier and more fun than ignoring someone or telling him you’re not into him. If you need ideas, just holler. I’ve got your back.
Life Advice From Someone Probably Too Young To Give It
1. Do not cut your own bangs. Ever ever ever. Do not get drunk and think it’s a good idea to just “give them a trim”. Do not “even them out” by yourself. Do not let the random hair school attendee living in your college apartment “shape them” for you. Pay the $5 and go in to an actual salon. Better yet, don’t get bangs in the first place. They will get sweaty and cause you to annoyingly twitch them out of your eyes. (This is absolutely not from first hand experience.)
2. Tell people you love them. On a daily basis. Be awkward, be shy, be scared to tell someone the first time, be overly enthusiastic the next time, and the time after that. Just fucking do it. Trust me and Nike on this one.
3. Crying at work is not the end of the world. If the nice, elderly mail woman at work happens to inquire as to why the lovely boy who used to send you postcards all the time no longer sends you them, it is perfectly acceptable to burst into tears and go nurse your gland secretions on a semi-private couch in the corner for the next hour. We’re all human, we’ve all had breakdowns, and no one is going to take you less seriously.
4. Write a lot of letters. It’s good for your soul and it’s good for the soul of others.
5. Figure out what you need in your life to keep yourself balanced. I need time to read, seven hours of sleep a night, and at least two good runs a week to feel like the best possible version of Megan. However, if you can’t get to everything you want to do, it’s okay to settle for 2-for-1 whiskey gingers instead. It’s fine. I do it all the time.
6. Call your parents. Remember they’re your parents, but learn how to be friends with them. Your mom has better life advice than you used to give her credit for, and your dad will never stop offering up unconditional love and promises that you’ll always be his little girl. No one will celebrate your victories harder with you, and no one will offer such a non-judgmental ear to cry and vent to. (See also: Things Worth Knowing #2)
7. Put down your fucking phone, turn off your fucking computer and go exist in the real world. Get your head out of your phone on the bus and people watch. Play with the little boy next to you. Go for lots of walks. Give people your undivided attention.
8. Be stubborn, but don’t be too stubborn. Stand up for what you believe is right, but don’t get too caught up in being right. Learn how to say you’re sorry and mean it.
9. Save money for stuff you care about. The money you’ll accumulate from buying one less shitty-Forever-21-tunic-that-you’ll-never-wear-again a week can add up to a trip to somewhere wonderful pretty quickly.
10. Try your very best to do one thing every day that scares you. It can be as big as taking a chance on another human and trusting that they won’t betray you, and it can be as small as riding your bike down the street that’s just a litttttle too busy for your liking.
This is a sappier entry than I had planned for my first Ladies Who Brunch contribution, but bear with me. I’m blaming it on a rainy, dark night, white wine, and Bon Iver.
I’m about to drop a truth bomb on you. I’m a totally competent, witty, and flirtatious young 20-something and I’m on an online dating website. No, I don’t have a hunch back, more than 15 cats, or severe halitosis. Guess what kiddos, we’re Millennials. Which means we want what we want and we want it now, preferably in some form of smart phone app please. Cultivating relationships IRL? Forget that noise, online dating is socially acceptable and you should be doing it!
Scared? Don’t be. I’ll teach you the Beginner Basics in my How-To-Online-Date-And-Not-Get-Kidnapped-Murdered-Or-Shanked series.
Lesson One: Usernames
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Don’t be fooled by this quote. It does not apply at all to what I am about to say. Flowers do not get to choose their names, and therefore they should not be judged or penalized if their name does not reflect how lovely they smell. People do get to choose their usernames, it is a product and representation of that person. Judge them. Judge them hard and often.
First impressions are everything. Truth. This means your username. A lot of times this can be a deal breaker for me, sorry blazin696969 I will not be replying to your message today. Let’s take a quick look at how to decode some of the common mistakes.
Genitalia and/or Sex Act References: Ok FreeMustacheRides and OMGitsHUGE, clearly you are on this website for one thing and one thing only. You either need to make it a little more subtle to increase your odds of anybody touching you or head on over to Craigslist Casual Encounters. I’m sure there is a cougar on there who would love some facial hair infused cunnilingus from you.
Inane Use of Capitalization: bEnLoVeScAke. No, no, no. You are dumb. Why would you do that? Those capital letters don’t belong there, and they definitely don’t make your username more aesthetically pleasing. Do you realize you just wasted energy to switch back and forth pressing the shift button, so you could make your username look like a tween girl’s? Probably not, which is why I will not be sending you an electronic wink.
The use of the words “Fun” “Hottie” or “Sexy”: Sexydream277 where is the mystery? Couldn’t you let me come to my own conclusions of how sexy, hot, or fun you are? Odds are I would probably not chose any of these words to describe you. This makes sense since people who advertise themselves as such are, usually, not.
Ends with “foryou” “4you” or “4u”: tallguy4you. Needy/relationship addict/will date anybody. All for me? We don’t even know each other yet. Oh god, is that a picture of your Maroon 5 tattoo on your profile? This is all moving too fast. It’s not you, it’s me….no it’s you.
Drug references: CheechyChong420, I am not a hater. Get it how you live it. BUT if you like weed so much that that is the first thing you want people to know about you, then this probably won’t work out romantically. We can probably be friends though. I like Taco Bell and won’t make too much fun of your Bob Marley wall tapestry.
As far as creating a username for yourself, I like to stick to a little something called the K.I.S.S. rule that my charming third grade teacher would bark at us. Keep It Simple Stupid. I know you want everyone to know how great your music taste is or your favorite quote, but that is what your profile is for. Avoid anything remotely sexual, for fear of being bombed with messages and online winks by creepers. Sit down at your computer and think up a username that Princess Di or Grace Kelly would approve of, then add your birth year to it and call it a day.
In the end you have to ask yourself, which would you rather smell, a rose or vomitblossombro6969?
P.S. What are the best bad usernames you’ve come across?
Don’t get me wrong, as a recently single lady and newbie to the Ladies Who Brunch gang, I am optimistic about the future. But for right now (and probably the next 5 days to 3 months) I just want to get drunk in my undies with a bottle of wine and sing along to some breakup jams. Sue me.
1. White Blank Page – Mumford & Sons
Now, Mumford in general can make we weak at the knees. But this song? Stick a fork in me, I’m done. You listen to this when you look back and try to pinpoint the reason why shit hit the fan with your ex. You get emotional about how you really “loved them with your whole heart” and how they “denied your affections”. This one’s a real balls to the wall tear-jerker. But sometimes, crying is the only thing that helps.
2. Someone Like You – Adele Adele sums it up best when describing the song’s meaning: “When I was writing it I was feeling pretty miserable, and pretty lonely. I can imagine being about 40 and looking for him again and turning up and he’s settled and he’s got a beautiful wife and some beautiful kids, and he’s completely happy and I’m still on my own. I’m quite scared at the thought of that, you know?” – Um yeah, we’re right there with you Adele, its a terrifying thought! You listen to this when you’re wearing your emo pants. You try to come to terms with the fact that you won’t be able to call this person in the middle of the night to spoon/ pick your drunk ass up from the bars. You wonder how you’ll feel in a week, in a month, in a year. You’re terrified of the future being without someone you spent way too much of your past with. Bumwave.
3. Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) – Beyonce Duh. You have GOT to have a playlist that mixes it up and this track is all about empowering our newly acquired singleness. This is what you blast on your laptop in the bathroom as you’re getting ready for a night out in da club. Get it gurl, you’re hot, in fact, you’re smoking, and not only will “another brother” notice you, he’s gonna be all up on you, cuz you fine. And, to hell with your ex. If he liked it, we shoulda put a ring on it. Oh. Snap.
4. Need You Now – Lady Antebellum
Yeah, laugh it up. I know this is technically “country” music, but shit its deep. You listen to this when you accidentally get drunk on a weeknight and want to call your ex in a fit of rage and/or tears because you just looked through every picture you have tagged together on Facebook and pulled out achieves of old emails. Be careful though, because you may fall victim to following through with those plans due to the direct nature of the lyrics. Check it out: “It’s a quarter after one/ I’m a little drunk/ And I need you now/ Said I wouldn’t call/ But I’ve lost all control/ And I need you now”. I don’t think any lyrics have summed up my life any better.
5. Chocolates & Cigarettes – Angus & Julia Stone
The best part of a breakup is the breakup diet. You listen to this as you lay in bed all day self-loathing and chain-smoking cigs. Your stomach growls but you tell yourself you’re too sad to eat. Not to mention how nauseous you get when you think of the years you wasted on your ex who you still totally care about. Meanwhile, Julia Stone is a fucking genius. This song has “breakup” written all over it. Switch out “chocolates” for “coffee” and she’s got my post-breakup diet down to a T.
6. She Wolf – Shakira This one really hits the spot when you need a pick-me-up during your mid-week crisis. The breakup is really starting to kick in, you’ve been alone for 4 days and you think no one will ever think you’re hot again. Listen to this song to boost your self-confidence, which started sinking 3 years into your relationship when you were feeling underappreciated. Read: “I’m starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office”. Ok, well she clearly isn’t talking about the coffee machine in MY office, because that thing gets worked to the bone – but I get it nonetheless. So then Shakira invites us to bust out of our homely shell and get wyld n’ krazy. Read: “There’s a she wolf in your closet, open up and set her free”. Thanks Shakira, I might just do that. “A’woooooooooooo!”
7. Deuces - Chris Brown
Listen to this when you’re feeling like a badass mo’ fo driving around in your lesbian Subaru. Make sure the windows are rolled up so no one can hear you singing along – they’ll just think you like to use the peace sign a lot. And you’re in a Subaru, so people probably think you are a peace hippy anyway, so its ok.
8. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson You saw this coming, c’mon. It’s the ultimate breakup jam. You can listen to this a lot of ways - but ultimately if you are post-break up, you’ll likely be the one on stage signing this at the karaoke bar while your friends watch on in slight embarrassment whispering to the group of guys around them that “she’s going through a break-up”. But you don’t care, you’re telling the world that you’re “so movin’ on”.
And eventually, you will, because you’re a lady that brunches and those are the best kind of ladies.
I sort of get the strategy—high traffic area for ladies, extremely low traffic area for male competition…but no. Probably not. Let’s get real for a minute, because a lady’s fallopian tubes are likely twisting themselves into suicidal knots of agony as she’s buying feminine products to soak up blood from her shedding uterine lining during said pick-up. Not optimum timing, but I guess some dudes just do it all for the nookie. Insert some variation of a strawberry milkshake sex joke here. You’re welcome.
2. The Taco Bell drive-thru
(Disclaimer: don’t judge me for eating here.)
I think this circumstance was mostly weird, because I was emotionally conflicted. I felt ashamed and triumphant all at once. Did he have greasy fast food induced acne? Yes. Did he use a Moviefone voice as he rattled off taco puns from the drive-thru window? Yes. Did I receive two complimentary orders of cinnamon twists? Yes…yes I did. #fat #phat
3. University Avenue, walking to work at 8:45 AM
Guys hollering out of their car windows at girls is a puzzling issue in and of itself (What do they achieve..? Autogasmic release?), but bypassing the larger issue, I almost have to give this particular gentlemen props for effort exerted. After cat-calling from his janky SUV, he turned off the one-way street and circled around the block until he met up with me again accompanied with a sing-songy “I’m baaa-aaackk” (…really, that happened). After politely declining his phone number once, he parked his vehicle and literally ran down the sidewalk after me for a go at part deux. As the situation quickly began to resemble the opening scenes of a bad Lifetime abduction movie, I briefly considered TV movie royalties as a post-grad career path. I ultimately decided against it in favor of making it to work on time and/or in favor of my personal well-being. Lifetime TV movie royalties probably suck anyway. C’est la vie.
Why do the loudest people always listen to the shittiest music? Why can’t I have a neighbor that blasts Best Coast and Minus the Bear during the day, then the best 90s jams on weekend nights? We could bring each other beer and make mix CDs. Instead, I am forced to listen to death metal while cooking dinner and crappy techno that shakes my bed until 3 in the morning. Enough is enough; after two weeks, I’m ready to shed the Minnesota niceties and declare war. Are you in the same spot? Join me in trying these techniques of torture.
1. Burn calories!
I’ve always refrained from doing cardio DVDs in my apartment because I didn’t want to disturb the people below me. My upstairs neighbor is always stomping around, shaking my dishes. I can’t imagine the havoc that jumping around for 45 minutes would wreak on the valuables of the people below. Now, the deal is off and the tennis shoes are on. The most effective time here is going to be when you get up for work, so between 6 and 8 am. Don’t be afraid to move between multiple rooms, either. If he’s a sound sleeper, he’s not going to hear you stomping around above his kitchen.
2. Make complex smoothies upon waking
This is tricky because you don’t want to upset the neighbors next to you. Your best bet is to set up shop by the outlet halfway between your living room and bedroom and let ‘er rip for a good 2 minutes. It’s even more torturous to stop it now and then to mix the ingredients around and do a taste test. He’ll think you’re done and breathe a sigh of relief, but that’s not happening today, mister!
3. Set up speakers facing the floor
Make a playlist of your favorite obnoxious Top 40 hits, plug in your computer speakers, and lay them on the ground face down. Turn up the volume, make sure it’s on loop, and leave for work. If you’re feeling more sinister and your safety screens allow, get a power cord and lower your speakers to his window. Only when he’s driven mad and has to step outside will he see what you’ve done.
Make sure your friends bring their dancing shoes (and don’t take them off) and invite your DJ buddy that can never get a gig.To avoid pissing off your other neighbors, placate them with some Miller High Life tallboys and weak conversation about the weird people in the building next door. Utilize community dances like a conga line or the electric slide to maximize your impact.
5. Have loud sex
Pull out all the stops! Encourage your partner with suggestions to constantly change positions and locations around your apartment and to go “faster baby, YEAH!” Since Mr. Techno is playing his heart out until the wee hours of the morning, this is a game of endurance. He can drown you out for a while, but he’s got to have a breaking point! Just get some lube, some toys, and Cosmo’s 365 Sex Positions book and you will come out victorious! Afraid his music will ruin the mood? Have your own sexy jams playlist on repeat to drown it out. Just don’t forget to brew extra coffee in the morning.
If all else fails, you can always just knock on his door and ask him to keep it quiet or use headphones after 8PM, or even report him to the management company. But that’s denying your true passive-aggressive Minnesotan nature, isn’t it?
My Latest Impulse Purchases and What They Mean for You
As a young American twentysomething, one of my greatest skills is blowing money on things I don’t need in lieu of the essentials (sundresses, books and happy hour),and in the last month I’ve made some of my best impulse buys. Here’s what that means for everyone I know:
1. Fondue Pot
This beauty was hidden in a back room at an estate sale on 50% off day. Of course I had to buy it. It’s orange, it’s adorable and it screams kitsch.
What does this mean for you? You’re going to be invited to some strange, retro dinner parties. You best RSVP “yes” to the first one, because chances are this is never actually getting used more than once.
2. Cruel Intentions
Did you know you can get this for 99 cents on Amazon? What a steal!
What does this mean for you? I’m going to ask you to come over and watch this with me. Somehow these invitations keep getting declined, so I’m just going to keep working my way down the list. Fondue and over sexed teen drama, anyone?
Every few months or so I convince myself I’m the nature goddess type and pick up a new baby plant to nurture for its inevitably short life. This month’s venture is herbs, so my whole kitchen smells deliciously like basil and I got to add some cute new planters to my windowsill.
What does this mean for you? Get ready to sit through a lot of references to my green goddess-ness. It’s important to get as much subtle bragging in while the babies are still photosynthesizing (2 pt. nature-y science word!). Bonus: If this little one is a survivor, you’re in for some awesome pesto.
4. As She Climbed Across the Table by Jonathan Lethem
Okay, so this is technically a life staple and therefore not an impulse buy, but considering the stack of books I have waiting for me, this was definitely not a necessity.
What does this mean for you? Many, many discussions on the idea of love as a selective vortex and the scientific representation of attraction are going to be started. They’ll lead nowhere, but I’ll enjoy them nonetheless.
5. Honorable mention: This painting, that I should have bought, but somehow had the willpower to resist.
What does this mean for you? You will compare every piece of art you ever see to this weird dog face masterpiece. Trust me.
A Note to Future Suitors: Things I Will Not Apologize For
You guys always go for the quirky, cute girls. What you don’t realize when you come my way is just how many quirks I have. I’ve learned to embrace them - they help define me and make me so irresistible to you. Now it’s up to you to take them or leave them. Here’s a primer on what you’ll be expected to put up with once you’ve garnered my discerning affection.
1. My Fragility
My parents were not a good genetic match. Humans are supposed to pay attention to pheromones to instinctively recognize a partner that will produce the most ideal offspring (see Two Days in Paris). Instead, they produced me. I’ve got medical problems a mile long and prescriptions that would put me on the street if it weren’t for some great health insurance. You’re just going to have to deal with my asthma, acne, allergies, trigger points, herniated disk, stiff neck, easily bruised skin, horrible eyesight, and catastrophic digestive system. It’s a shame bodies don’t come with a warranty. But every boy wants a damsel in distress, right?
2. My diet
This ties right into #1. I’m at least trying to fix things, alright? This means I don’t consume meat, wheat, dairy, soy, beans, caffeine and I try to have a healthy, mostly vegan diet. Don’t try to bring me to B-Dubz (would I really be dating a guy that likes a place like that anyway?). Be prepared for minor breakdowns at restaurants that don’t serve anything I can eat and ready to try foods you’ve never heard of. I promise to make positively delightful meals & treats for you, but accept my messy cooking style. Do you even realize how many ingredients and dishes it takes to make vegan & gluten-free macaroni and cheese?
3. Rampant elitism
I can be a major misanthrope. Having spent my entire childhood in gifted & talented programs, Honors & AP classes, and academic summer camps, I was surrounded by people on my level. My dad even taught me to drive much-superior manual cars. Going to a public university introduced me to the rest of the world, Uggs and all. I am still baffled by how such dullards can survive for so long without major consequences. You’ll have to deal with constant rants about frat boys and sorority girls, Crocs, obesity, smokers, useless majors, poor drivers and reality TV. I promise to constantly lavish you with compliments and praise about your brilliant creativity and witty banter.
3. Road rage
Having been in a major car accident and being constantly cut off on my moped, I have developed a healthy sense of driving aggression. Add that to the elitism mentioned above and I am a positive monster when I get in the driver’s seat. My driving style has been described as a “slow-motion Bond” and “purposeful.” I’m looking into amateur race car driving, too. Maybe it could dissipate this road rage, but I know it’s probably just going to make me that much more aggressive. Driving a manual car means that I’m constantly engaged in my environment and the task at hand. No other drivers seem to do this, though. I am constantly yelling (usually with the windows rolled up) at people who make poor lane choices, cut others off, or drive too slowly. It would be great if you could participate in this by shooting the offenders with your imaginary lazergun or squishing them between your fingers. It will make me laugh and keep you from staring at me in horror over the obscenities spilling out of my mouth.
Those obscenities? Get used to them. My sailor mouth often disarms people, just like my tattoos and crazy stories. I may seem quiet and reserved at first, but the vibrant red hair should have tipped you off. One of my favorite words is fuck, and it constantly peppers my conversation. It’s so useful to have a word in the human language that can convey anything from disgust, excitement, anger, to lust. I don’t just love you - I fucking love you; leaving the toilet seat up isn’t gross, it’s fucking disgusting. Emphatic!
5. The hair I shed
Okay, I’m a little sorry for this one. I have a ton of bright red, very long hair. Unforunately it doesn’t just stay on my head looking luscious and perfect; I shed a ton of it, too. Just accept the fact that you’re going to find strands in your beard, on your hoodie, and in your wallet. At least no one will need to ask who you spent last night with, right?
6. Playing Top 40 music in my car or in the shower
I am not afraid to like catchy songs from any genre - just look at my running playlist. When I’ve still got my runners’ high from my stint around Lake of the Isles, Bon Iver isn’t going to keep that alive. When I’m en route to pregame at a friend’s apartment before going dancing, can Andrew Bird really meet my needs? Don’t be too alarmed, though. I promise I don’t listen to songs until they invade your dreams and I’ll always turn the channel when Pitbull comes on.
7. My refusal to wear clothes indoors
If you have a problem with this, just say sayonara now. You’re probably gay and need to do some soul searching. I live alone and one of the primary benefits is the ability to do everything naked. Doing the dishes, brushing my teeth, sleeping, etc. I know my body isn’t model-worthy, but I’m pretty okay with what I’ve got and this is what you signed up for. Maybe I’ll occasionally throw on that silk robe I got in Paris when it’s chilly to add a little suspense, but why go through the work of peeling off layers when the mood strikes suddenly?
You know that girl who always managed to get a ball to the face (minds outta the gutter, people!) no matter the circumstances or gym class unit?
I was that girl.
No matter how much attention was paid, I could always count on the magnetic forces that be to remind me of my other less athletic inclinations…and fortunately my ability to look at the bright side of things. This one goes out to the other gym class failures: The sports we practice might not require ancient, sweat-caked pinnies and mesh shorts, but we are athletes nonetheless!
Let me preface this by saying that I am referring to two very separate (but equal) types of “belting.” One, is obviously karaoke. Beginners should stretch their vocals with a tune that throws no curveballs and that can be completely sung in range. Seasoned karaoke-goers with an uncanny lung capacity should attempt something bold and fierce. I recommend singing something from an unexpected genre (cue: Biggie or Coolio for moi) or Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” if you’re chock full of panache and possess an unnatural diaphragm. (It also helps to date and/or marry Jay-Z.)
The second type of “belting” refers to a very specific skill that was honed during my 2+ years working at Banana Republic. It may look simple, but this fine art of drawing attention to one’s waist is a competitive sport. Magazines eat each other up trying to discover new ways to work this shit (e.g. the photo above is from Glamour).
Every time I get on a trampoline I am reassured that it’s the closest we’ll ever get to genuine human flight. Presumably, jumping on a trampoline burns calories, however for maximum calorie burn, I recommend throwing in some individuals with weak bladders. You’ll laugh (and your abs will contract) as you admire the distressed expressions on their faces.
This is self-explanatory and coincides with #7. It is advised to think of it as the off-season sport you play in order to stay in shape for the sport you really like. (Currently struggling to refrain from using the phrase “sport du jour” and failing.)
4. Sleep Contests
I can out sleep you any day of the week, enough said. And in my opinion, the phrase “eternal rest” sounds like it pertains more to a vacation I’d like to take than funeral vernacular.
5. Parking Ticket Acquisition
Think you’re being risky parking in that 2-hour spot for 5? Are you just hoping to get a ticket so you can turn to someone in a secretly happy frenzy and shout "Hell yeah! I bet that never happens to you!" Well guess what? IT DOES. If Ticketville was a location on Foursquare, you’d be looking at (or #3-ing) the mayor. If Ticketville was a virtual flatland on Facebook, you’d be looking at the heartiest of crops.
This atheltic event requires the ability to comprehend syllables and (sometimes) current events. I recently attempted to win a Kindle by creating a haiku based off of current events:
I would like to see // birth certificates for hair // Trump’s is unearthly
Give it whirl. I’m sure there are plenty of all-star athletes who can’t write one of these puppies.
7. Drink Scavenging
I’m still unsure of how this actually pans out play-by-play, but "Hey, weren’t you the guy who promised to buy us a round?" frequently works like magic. Bring the confidence from #1 and the art form that is #3 to the court and sooner than you know it, you’ll be the next face of Wheaties.
So there you have it - have your Gatorade and drink it too.
After her strappy wedges failed to cooperate in front of the cute waiter (see: tripping and landing on all fours) Alex’s dominant feeling while ambling back to the table was gratitude. Why? Because with Megan, she knew she could recount this story with more humor than embarrassment and more chutzpah than chagrin. So it was then, while sipping drinks on that sunny patio (como siempre), that Lady Heide and Lady Weisenberger decided there could be a regular outlet for these sorts of things, a blog of sorts (they also decided on a more appropriate title than the options considered below) and because they’re anything but lacking in the “smart, funny lady friends who love to write” department, the creation of this blog was solidified and deemed “a lovechild of topics you’d overhear us talking about at brunch." Welcome.
Alternate Blog Titles:
Wenches Who Brunch
Bitches Be Shoppin’
Strumpets and Tea
When Life Gives You Liz Lemons…(you paint that shit gold?)