Love is patient, even on Valentine's Day.
“Hey, your face doesn’t look weird when your hair is wet.” I look up from the stream of water, wiping my face, “Thanks… I guess?” “That means you have a really pretty face.” It’s the first compliment I remember; the first REAL compliment. ____________________ Last night was Valentine’s Day and work held him up until later than I was pleased with. I started cooking our dinner alone. A wave...
Things You Get To Do When You Live Alone
Take your pants off immediately upon entering your apartment. Leave your bedroom and bathroom door open at all times. Not worry about anyone eating your ice cream. Listen to whatever music you want to really loud without judgement. Eat whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want. Get freaky whenever, wherever and at whatever volume you choose. Set up a full blown spa/ cinema in...
“New Year’s Resolutions suck, am I right? It’s like everyone got together to say, ‘hey, let’s set really mundane goals for ourselves just because it’s January 1st, and then NOT accomplish them.’ B.S. I don’t want to lose weight or cut back on caffeine just ‘cuz. And I especially don’t want to watch my spending or start saving some...
Bros Who Restaurant Week
First and foremost, thank you to the Ladies Who Brunch for allowing me to pepper their stellar blog with a little ‘brospective’. Every year, Washington, D.C. celebrates ‘Restaurant Week’, an opportunity to enjoy the finer culinary things in life in the Nation’s Capital at a price we all can get around. For many, this is the chance to take a loved one out for a nicer date than usual or rekindle a...
Different Types of Men as Described Through...
20th Century (brizard cacao, cocchi american, lemon, gordons): “My generation, we drink because it’s good, because it feels better than unbuttoning your collar, because we deserve it. We drink because it’s what men do.” - Roger Sterling. This cocktail is Don Draper in a cup, a classic man of distinction with expensive taste and a disregard for the flashy. He’s...
May the swagger be with you.– Excellent life-advice from a friend as I try to convince myself that I’m VERY CAPABLE OF ASKING SOMEONE OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY ADULT LIFE ASDF-FUCKING-JKL;
The View From 65
Embrace love in all of its forms, live with a strong connection to your higher self, laugh loudly and often … with yourself as your main source of amusement. Eliminate manufactured fear. Root out all messages and warnings of fear instilled within you by parents, teachers, leaders, TV, media and your imagination. Look around you and see the ways you are safe, secure and empowered. Regardless of...
Ugh, we have so many cityscapes!– A slightly-anonymous bruncher, reminding us what it’s like to live in a shared space with a roommate.
On Netflix Recommendations
What Netflix Thinks I Want to Watch: Critically-Acclaimed Quirky Independent Movies Witty Romantic Comedies Feel-Good Social & Cultural Documentaries Heartfelt Dramas Featuring a Strong Female Lead Emotional Suspenseful TV Shows What I Really Want to Watch: Movies About Dancing, Preferably in Urban Areas Anything That Will Make Me Cry, Especially When I’m Feeling Sulky Things...
The Craigslist Babysitter
A few years back, I found a great babysitting gig on Craigslist. Years later, I am still watching this child every once in a while…even after her mother saw me dancing on a pole at a bar one night. Running on 3 hours of sleep and a tall bloody mary…watching 3 little girls at their first sleepover… Child: “What are hot dogs made of?” Bbysitter: “You...
The Peculiar Habits of Alex's Dress
To Work Get really dressed up and go to work at your traditionally uber-casual office. Let everyone think it’s for a job interview at a competing firm and hold your nose a wee bit higher, you smug phony. Go to The Capital Grille for lunch and let them call address you as “miss” and put lemon in your water, even though you’re technically only there to redeem a “Free...
The Perfect Date
It’s a well-known and sadly true fact that Midwestern men simply are not ballsy enough (in terms of hitting on women, specifically me). Go to any bar on the coast (I imagine) and men will buy you drinks on drinks on drinks. But the good ol’ Minnesota Nice mentality really fails here when a guy “Just doesn’t want to bother that pretty girl across the bar. What if she thinks I’m too forward???” ...
How to Online Date via Different Social Networks
Disclaimer: This is lengthy, because I want you to be happy and lucky in online love. Okay? “How exactly does one meet men while employed full-time?”* Ah, yes. If this thought hasn’t leapt into your mind at least once, you must be in a long-term relationship, an avid believer in serendipity, or really good at going out on weeknights…and consequently, excellent at...
Best Tweets from #FatBands
I can’t help how funny I thought this was! Korn Dogs Wu Tangy Zesty Chicken Bon Bon Iver Fleetwood Mac and Cheese 30 Seconds to McDonalds De la Cereal Bowl Panic! at Nabisco Teegan and Sara Lee Lunchbox 20 The Mamas and the Papas Fritas Milli Vanilli Waffers Dashboard Cholesterol Katy Pudgy One Digestion Ben Folds Five Guys Papa John’s Roach Oreo Speedwagon Cheese...
A Minor Reality Check, Brought To You From An...
A couple of weekends ago, I had the pleasure of meeting Ron, a gentleman in his late 60s/early 70s who works at the Kitchen Window store in Uptown. As I listened to him gush about the differences in cookware craftsmanship in Switzerland versus Germany, and the history of woks, it made me peculiarly happy. I don’t know anything about Ron beyond his love for quality cookware and appetizing...
If Philosophers Contemplated Apps
“I checked in therefore I am here.” Descartes “Anyone who trades Nashville for Normal deserves neither Nashville nor Normal.” - Ben Franklin “Linkedin is the essence of vileness.” - Kant “A wise man #’s because he has something to tag. A fool #’s because he has to tag something.” Plato “#YOLO” -Horace “All filters...
good luck finding a swimsuit. or a guy. or a boat.– brutally honest server at maynard’s
Things I've Learned Reporting from the Border of...
The pages of the newspapers are filled with stories of contentious boarder conflicts, and my non-existent journal (and subsequent blog post) are no exception. Here are some factoids I picked up from where I live, the boarder of Pathetic and Functioning. 1. Watching 6 episodes of Intervention in a row does not diminish your desire to consume alcohol as much as you would expect. Plan accordingly. ...
Mom’s are really great and Steph’s mom is no exception. Jeri teaches art history to 3rd graders, has fabulous gardens, does stained glass, and would rather rake leaves than go to pilates. She also composes some of the best emails around. Enjoy. Subject: Call Me CALL ME AS SOON AS YOU GET UP. IF YOU DON’T GET UP BEFORE 10, I AM CALLING YOU! WITH THAT NEW PHONE THAT DOES...
Faux rom com movie titles that you probably...
When We Were Us The Good Times Getting It Together That Night Safari You’ve Got TXT What Was He Thinking? Girls Night Out The Frenchman Semi-Jaded, Quasi-Romantic Booty-Call *Disclaimer: I did not do my due-diligence. There may or may not be some actual movie titles in the mix.
Commencement address to the 8th graders of America...
Congratulations on surviving middle school. I am sure it was horrible. As you continue your journey through the public school system, I would like to share with you one piece of advice: spend all of the money you are earning. Spend it recklessly and without shame. Cynics will tell you that you should work hard and save for college. Well, maybe a cynic wouldn’t say that, but I wanted to channel...
Your 20’s are your ‘selfish’ years. It’s a decade to immerse yourself in every...– Kyoko Escamilla
From the brunch table: A love song for a burrito ...
Tell me how I’m supposed to breath with no air. This burrito’s so big it’s not fair. I’m about to eat the whole thing ‘cause I don’t care. No air. No air.
I just looked up “lots of cats” (don’t ask) and your blog is...– co-worker
We Learn Through History
One of life’s simplest pleasures is sifting through the words we once found important enough to write down: friendly notes, love letters, blog posts (hey, future me!), and the jackpot… old journals. If read correctly, ignoring the weekly personality changes and epiphanies, a lot of life lessons can be found amidst the babble. I uncovered my ratty old journal yesterday. Life Lessons...
When I'm waiting for my mimosa at brunch
Everybody's talking about Girls--myself included.
Whether you like it or not, it’s hard to refute that HBO’s Girls is doing something right. The advertising exec version of myself might actually say “Look at all of this passionate commentary it’s generated from its target audience!” and give Lena Dunham a virtual thumbs up or a +k in “females.” While I don’t love everything about the show, it...
When The Server Asks If We Want Our Check One Hour...
Surviving a Break-up
two weeks? three days? a month? when was the last time you thought of him, you wonder. something has brought him into your thoughtstream and instantly you realize that you feel nothing; numb to the person who so effortlessly dropped you from his life after four and a half years, who made you cry for 3 months straight, the person you had almost written vows for. how can it be that your heart...
We just like to know where we’re going, and where we’ve been.– My mom, on why my love for maps was genetically inherited.
Why All Girls Need a Boy Band to Navigate Puberty
I’ll admit that I’ve only watched their performance on SNL, but having been fortunate enough to waltz through puberty during the Golden Age of bubblegum pop boy bands, I understand what an awesome score One Direction is for anyone in a training bra this year. Sure, it initially confuses things when you have to reconcile cooties with the notion that you are licking the jacket of the...
I started a new game...
Every time something negative happens, you get to eat a whole pizza* 1. Creepy neighbor inexplicably breaks into roommate’s room at 4 a.m. with flashlight? —> Toppers’ create-your-own, extra cheese 2. Discover that the apartment that you’ve been actively ‘nesting’ in for 8 months is partaking in a FORECLOSURE AUCTION soon? —> Green Mill,...
Hashtags We Need To Stop
Allow me to be meta for a minute. I know using social media to point out how people are using social media wrong is totally fetch, but I think we could all use a little refresher. Hashtags are used to categorize your status in a searchable group. This makes sense when you are attending an event or commenting on a topic that other people would be interested in searching for. This doesn’t...
Glossary for My Unwritten Memoir part 1: Aliases
Eve Eve was born the semester I studied in Italy. This was when I learned that you can dissociate a surprising number of bad habits from yourself by taking on a British accent. Eve curbed hangovers by eating Nutella straight out of an over-sized jar, chain smoked the 10-packs of Chesterfields that she bought out of the coin vendor every morning, found it entirely appropriate to keep a bottle...
How to Accidentally Audition for a Runway Fashion...
1. Walk by Juut salon in Uptown. Notice a sign in the window looking for people with long hair to be up-do models. Scoff at it until you notice that compensation is 500 DOLLARS, which is basically the equivalent of your yearly salary. 2. Think to yourself “I have long hair!!” 3. Contemplate how many cheap Forever 21 sundresses you could buy with $500. 4. Swinging your long,...
How I always feel after brunch
Translations: What Mom Says v. What I Hear
“How is your social life?” You couldn’t possibly still be single, right? (or six months into this line of questioning) Are you a lesbian? It’s okay if you are, but you still have to have grandchildren. Soon. “He watches a lot of movies with bombs.” I think your brother is spending too much time with the Pakistani neighbor. “Oh, I was wondering if you...
Boyfriend Material, According to Our Mothers
He has his own office cubicle! His parents are really nice people! He’s a handyman and kills bugs! He’s single! He has a Y chromosome! He went to your elementary school!* He reminds me of Gilbert Blythe! Or Rhett Butler! (Nevermind that these are fictional characters…) *It doesn’t matter what heinous crime he may have committed, if he went to your elementary...
The Lady Dictionary
What All Those Ladywords Really Mean via Buzzfeed
Awesome Things About Being Norwegian
Norwegians get a lot of crap. You’re pale, boring, passive-aggressive, suffer from Vitamin D deficiency, listen to Bjork, love to pillage villages, blah blah blah. Let the records show that there are PLENTY of things we should be proud of! You probably have a great family lefse recipe Your grandparents have the cutest accent You likely have long lost relatives who can host you abroad ...