February 2012
5 posts
8 tags
Lifelong Fashion Lessons I Learned at 22
lauren, when are you going to start writing for us?
theladybusiness:
1. Wearing a cute dress cancels out the fact that you haven’t showered today/for a week.
2. Your boots should not match your purse. Accidental or on purpose, it’s just weird.
3. Flaunting the same make-up you wore last night is not lazy, it’s edgy.
4. Leggings are only OK with a dress and boots. Or when lounging in the...
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Ladies Who Late Night Happy Hour
Alternate title: Things Normal People Don’t Talk About
“What are you doing next Friday?” “Um, I’m babysitting until 10, but I’m free after.”
“I thought you took Plan B?” “Well, I got lazy and figured I’d just get an abortion.”
“How was your blind date?” “We went to a potluck with half bottles of rum,...
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Ways To Interpret And Respond To The Phrase "I Met...
At their house? Can I join?
Oh cool, where are you?
Is it someone important?
Is it someone famous?
Only one? Not two?
I meet a lot of people too.
Nice, I also have a lot of friends.
A girl or a boy?
I’m looking forward to meeting them?
Haha, you mean me?
Wait, did you meet someone, or did you meet someone?
Oh.
January 2012
9 posts
Shit I Say that Will Someday be Fodder for Crabby...
“My under-wire is poking into my armpit.”
“His sole purpose for existence seems to be to scratch the Teflon on my rice cooker.”
“Meeaahhh. The 113 was LATE.”
“Why is the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream $2 more expensive at the SA than Target?”
“Meeeaaah…Folgers? Not the best part of waking up.”
“I am only voting for...
16 tags
Around the Brunch Table: What movie currently...
Megan M.: Honey.
Heather: Schindler’s List…no, Cinderella. But only the first half.
Allie: Garden State and Pocahontas (because I can relate to her, being Norwegian).
Megan W.: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And not just because she loves Kate Winslet.
Alex: The Royal Tenenbaums…less about owning Margot’s jacket and being extremely gifted and more about...
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If J. Crew Models Could Speak
“Doesn’t match.. but it does. Jealous?”
“Yeah, I like Animal Collective.”
“You mean your parents live outside of Nantucket?”
“Does this jean jacket make me look middle class?”
“Daddy says my first job is important. Which one to choose… which one to choose…”
“I can’t wait to see a MILF try to pull...
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Things You Could Do Instead Of Be On Your iPhone...
Discuss current events that you learned through twitter before you got to the table
Make eye contact with the person who is speaking
Make fun of the Republican candidates
Describe what someone looks like without looking up their Facebook profile picture
Try every drink on the table
Compliment someone you are with
Speak verbally across the table instead of covering your mouth and whispering...
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Songs That Make You Feel Feelings
Consider, for a moment, putting together this playlist and cutting your wrists. Vertically.
Consider, again, that Alex and I already have already done the heavy lifting for you, wishing you a Happy Seasonal Affective!
http://open.spotify.com/user/christayve/playlist/4NiW9fDA5V2cts7NCmenfn
405 - Death Cab for Cutie
Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie
Draw Your Swords - Angus and Julia Stone
...
8 tags
Resolutions Anonymous: what your 2012 resolutions...
Disclaimer: this list is in no way reflective of my personal resolutions, nor a compilation of the resolutions of anyone I had beers with at Keegans last night.
1. Smoke more weed
You realized you are never going to achieve the “direction” you thought would compliment finishing college, so you’ve opted to abandon your feigned stage of post-bacc ambition and try out being a...
December 2011
14 posts
3 tags
5 tags
Resolutions
I’m starting early.
Simplified resolution: Speak my mind more often.
Actual resolution: Speak my mind more often. Don’t dwell/obsess/hermit when the response I get isn’t the elaborate dream I worked out in my head.
If goals prove too lofty, listen to angsty pop-punk music on repeat. (Sorry I’m not sorry.)
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Friday afternoons at work
me: so what kind of cookie are you eating?
tell me slowly
Sent at 4:18 PM on Friday
Heather: c
h
o
c
o
l
a
me: oh yeah
Heather: t
me: keep going
Heather: e
me: ahhh
Heather: cccccccccccccc
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
pppppppppppppp
me: yeah
yea
*lights cig
thanks baby
Sent at 4:20 PM on Friday
Heather: was it good for you?
me: yes. i hope you had fun too.
Sent at...
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Life Lessons: Being Wronged
Every time I hear Lady Gaga’s “they used to throw me in trash cans” story, I get irritated. Woman, ahem, Lady, shouldn’t you be screaming “FUCK HATERS” while you roll around in a pile of money and tear-stained fans willing to sell their grandma for your concert tickets? Then why are you crying on a couch next to Joy Behar?
I judge too quickly. With the help of Sheryl Crow, I remember that the...
“He is very patient and always brings me candy.”
– Sarah has found the ideal boyfriend
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Why I Can Have Another Cookie
There’s another cookie in my desk. I am trying to persuade my “put-that-down-betch-it’s-not-even-11 a.m.!” self to let me at it. I think my reasoning is solid.
1. I had a really nice bus ride. I played a “Z” word on Words with Friends and listened to the new Black Keys album.
2. I wore red wellies with a red skirt and forgot my heels. I endured subsequent office commentary about “Ronald...
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If You Went to High School with Punctuation Marks
This past weekend gave me the luxury of sprawling out on my parents’ couch in suburbia in dog-cuddling, napping, bliss. In addition to this high level of productivity, I was able to finally do some leisure reading. During my print soaked haze, I had a strange dream (cue wavey flash back lines and some 90’s sitcom soundtrack), and though usually I detest people sharing their dreams with...
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“Work isn’t terribly exciting, but my Saturdays are okay.”
– Friend of Brunchers, Andrew LaValle
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Anatomy Of A Commute
Despite aforementioned events, I love taking the bus. However, I don’t always pack or dress appropriately for the commute. I either appear to be running away ala Alex-Alex-10-bags or in today’s case, the early bird version of a lady of the night.
This is how it went:
8:05 a.m. Board bus. Immediately direct attention to nearest open seat. Make a swift once-over to inspect fellow...
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Tales From the Karaoke Trenches
I’ve been on a quest to find the perfect karaoke song for some time now but, despite my repeat performance in NORTH DAKOTA ALL-STATE HONOR CHOIR in middle school (this is the only time I’m going to be able to brag about that, ever), I’m not quite ready for a soulful, solo performance at the mic.
I haven’t found the perfect 2 a.m. bar ballad yet, but I have found a few...
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Words for Optimists
If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moon-walking into the sea. This is the Godzilla I choose to believe in…
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An-analogy-I'll-probably-regret-later-in-life-and/o...
You know how they say people resemble their pets? Well, perhaps this is somewhat of a departure from that, but a couple of hot toddies and Lady Weisenberger reassured me that the men in our lives are, in fact, as diverse as our handbag collections. Allow me to elaborate.
Trendy ‘Fling’ Purse. You know he won’t be around your entire life so you don’t invest much, but at the...
3 tags
November 2011
14 posts
4 tags
Auto-by-us-ography Titles
Megan:
“I’ll Wear Leggings if I Fucking Want To: A Lifetime of Saturday Nights”
“Your Flannel is Nice: A Compendium of Refined Seduction Tactics”
“Fries-n-berger: A Domestic Goddess Shares Her Secrets”
“A Life of Broken Bikes”
“Sappy Emails, Babies and Over-Engineered Plastic Chandeliers: You Picked This Book Up For a...
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preachers-wife asked: Per last post -- I think Fusion has closed down. Thanks for the list though ... I'd add the Mistletoe from La Belle Vie's annual Christmas Cocktails list.
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5 Best: Flouncy martinis in MPLS
Hello, my name is Christa. I will be your tour guide and resident flouncy martini expert. The Holidays and the end of the year are rapidly approaching, so everyone’s got a reason to drink. Treat yourself, ladies. Grab your handbag and mental notes of recent disappointments and join me on a stroll through the most “buzz-worthy” concoctions in triangular glasses that Minneapolis has to...
6 tags
Pros and Cons of Being Single at Thanksgiving
Con: No one to take a five hour nap with post feast.
Pro: No one to look cute for when your yam & pumpkin pie filled stomach is hanging over your pants.
Con: No one to automatically take sides with you when you are debating gender politics with Uncle Jim.
Pro: You don’t have to share the twin bed.
Con: No one to tag along with you to your awkward high school bar reunions.
Pro: You...
6 tags
Sometimes you accidentally get day-drunk in NYC at...
God bless America.
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How to Get Dates Online
Collaborative dinner table effort to draft an online dating “about me” section:
Dislikes: orange soda, sober vegans, intolerance, intolerance of sober vegans (I am working on it…), pregnancy.
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My first New Year New Lady goal: embrace the word...
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Spambot Sage
The daily process of approving or denying comments on my office blog brings the usual deletion of Cialis testimonials, porn keywords and UGG boot scams, but every now and then some of the spam gibberish can be surprisingly insightful. Today’s deep thoughts from the Internet:
“Sometimes things are not working as forecasted, that is life…” —Eli
“We constantly...
4 tags
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My emotions during a coworker's babyshower →
christayve:
2:03 Great. I am not the first one….oh, pudding!
2:10 I ate too much pudding
2:13 My boss looks like a priest in that black turtleneck. Oh frack, I am going to have to avoid giggling every time he takes a sip of coffee from a styrophome coffee cup.
2:14 (Reflecting) Church basements have a…
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When someone you don't know sends you the perfect...
“If Beyonce and Jay-Z can find time to hang out, I’m sure we can, too.”
Textual soulmates.
4 tags
Using peer breeding habits to determine adulthood
Adulthood. Are we there yet?
No way: Peers think they are maybe pregnant and take pregnancy tests in Walmart bathroom stall. False alarm. They start using condoms and taking the pill.
Still no: Peers become accidentally pregnant, and decide to have the baby. After baby is born, they create a Facebook profile for baby. You defriend the parents and the child.
Maaaaaaaaaaybe: Peers are...
October 2011
19 posts
10 tags
Whilst Intoxicated
I want to dance As much as we like to #humblebrag about our eclectic taste in music via publishing Spotify or Rdio feeds to your facebook, we all have a soft spot for top 40. Throw on your not-so-secret “guilty pleasure pop tunes” playlist and let’s get this party started. If the lyrics have anything to do with dancing, partying, drinking, fucking, big booties or smokin’ blunts I’m dancing to it....
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Something To Ponder...
Whose idea was it to arrange our week so that work takes precedence over play?
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Life Lessons: Nail Polish
“Only prostitutes keep their nails painted for casual occasions.” -Anto, my Italian language instructor.
“You were born naked and the rest is drag.” – RuPaul, my Twitter life coach (FKA @lifecoach)
I hardly ever paint my nails; but they are pink right now, and it’s proved to be more of a lesson in “the art of Self” than I anticipated. I am not sure if it just another one of the postmodern...
5 tags
fellas who lunch.
This blog is about ladies who brunch, but we love our male counterparts quite a bit too. Below, Joseph William Lindberg, the First of His Name, Lord of the Floundering Voicemail, Duke of Ink and Sovereign Viscount of Conversation (his words, not mine) makes his guest columnist debut.
There are two things you need to know about me before your eyeballs judge all my words. First, I listen to a...
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My fellow LWB contributor, Megan W., and I have taken pride in being Amazon women since we were 16 years old and were much larger than our GBF. I am about 5’ 10”. In my college Ultimate Frisbee team profile I think my height was described as “menacing” or “intimidating” or “a force” or something equally fucking boss. Sweet. Dig it.
When I studied...